Cancel culture’s sweet tooth: Whoopi strikes again, one cupcake at a time.
Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like starting a nationwide debate over dessert politics, and Whoopi Goldberg, the self-appointed queen of victimhood, didn’t disappoint. While celebrating her 69th birthday on The View, Whoopi claimed that a Manhattan bakery refused to make her beloved Charlotte Russe dessert due to her politics. Yes, you heard that right—she turned a simple misunderstanding into a full-blown conspiracy theory faster than a cake can bake at 350 degrees.
Goldberg, whose mouth often runs like an unsupervised toddler, insinuated that the bakery owner had it out for her liberal views. Her co-hosts gasped dramatically, the audience clutched their pearls, and Sunny Hostin nearly called for a congressional investigation. Meanwhile, Sara Haines, always committed to the dramatic, spit out her dessert like it was laced with MAGA frosting. The drama was as thick as Bavarian cream—and just as messy.
The Boiler That Brought Down Democracy
The bakery in question, Holtermann’s—a 146-year-old Staten Island institution—found itself at the center of the confectionary kerfuffle. Owner Jill Holtermann Bowers explained the real story: the bakery’s massive boiler had recently been replaced, leaving them temporarily unable to fulfill large orders. But who needs facts when you can spin a narrative juicier than the cherries atop Whoopi’s dessert?
“I didn’t even know it was for her!” said Holtermann Bowers, bewildered by the controversy. “Our boiler was being replaced—it took five guys just to move it!” Of course, Whoopi saw this as less of a logistical hiccup and more of a sinister plot orchestrated by Staten Island’s secret anti-Hollywood cabal. Perhaps Trump himself was hiding in the boiler room, cackling over his master plan to sabotage her dessert dreams.
Cancel Culture’s Favorite Recipe: Victim Pie
Whoopi’s playbook is as predictable as a bakery’s daily special: sprinkle in some baseless accusations, whip up a frenzy, and serve it hot to the media. Forget that the bakery didn’t even know the order was for her. Forget that they still managed to fulfill the request despite their boiler troubles. None of that matters because, in Whoopi’s world, reality takes a backseat to the spotlight of being a victim.
For someone who once declared herself part of the “working class,” Whoopi sure knows how to weaponize her celebrity status to malign small businesses. Ironically, her attempt to smear Holtermann’s led to an unintended outcome: record-breaking sales. By the end of the day, the bakery’s shelves were as bare as Whoopi’s credibility. Customers lined up around the block to support the business, proving once again that cancel culture can sometimes backfire harder than a malfunctioning oven.
Desserts and Deflection
But why stop at the bakery? Whoopi used her cupcake controversy to subtly point fingers at—you guessed it—Donald Trump. Somehow, in her twisted timeline, the bakery’s boiler issue became yet another consequence of the 2016 election. It’s only a matter of time before she accuses him of hiding Charlotte Russe recipes at Mar-a-Lago.
Her co-hosts nodded sympathetically, ignoring the glaring absurdity of her claims. After all, this is the same Whoopi who famously argued that the Holocaust “wasn’t about race” and called for a sex strike to protest Roe v. Wade.
Holtermann’s Sweet Revenge
Despite Whoopi’s best efforts, the bakery emerged victorious. Sales skyrocketed, customers from across the country placed orders, and the owner expressed gratitude for the overwhelming support. “We give to Staten Island all the time,” said Holtermann Bowers. “It’s nice to see Staten Island giving back.”
Meanwhile, Whoopi slumped back into her chair on The View, licking the last bits of Charlotte Russe off her fork and wondering why her victim narrative had crumbled like an overcooked soufflé. Maybe next time, she’ll think twice before picking a fight with a bakery that’s older than her acting career.
The Icing on the Cake
The moral of the story? When liberals like Whoopi play the victim card, it often backfires spectacularly. Holtermann’s didn’t just survive the cancel culture attempt—they thrived, turning a boiler breakdown into a business boom. And Whoopi? Well, she got her dessert, her pity party, and another opportunity to blame Trump. In the end, it’s just another day in the absurd world of liberal lunacy, where even cupcakes aren’t safe from political grandstanding.
Disclaimer:
This article is written in the guise of parody and satire, highlighting Whoopi Goldberg’s tendency to play the victim card and use perceived injustices to target others unfairly. While based on true events, this article humorously critiques the dangerous trend of cancel culture—where people who are unaccountable or their actions try to punish individuals or businesses for perceived wrongs, often causing harm far beyond a simple disagreement or misunderstanding.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Holtermann’s for some cupcakes—they’re hotter than Whoopi’s takes!
Comments