DOGE: Unleashing Accountability, One Audit at a Time!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking twist of irony, the Trump administration announced today that the greatest threat to the U.S. economy in 2025 may not be lingering inflation, unsustainable debt, or even Kamala Harris attempting to explain basic economics—it might just be the sheer magnitude of fraud uncovered by the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE).
According to administration officials, DOGE has been so effective at sniffing out government waste that its efforts could inadvertently trigger a recession. “We always knew the Biden economy was built on a house of lies, but we had no idea those lies were propping up a full percentage point of GDP,” admitted a senior economic advisor. “Turns out, when you expose a trillion dollars in fraud, that’s also a trillion dollars not getting pumped into our ‘thriving’ scam-based economy.”
The Government’s Dirty Little Secret: Fraud = Growth?
Over the last four years, the federal government grew at a record pace—thanks in part to a complex economic formula known as “stealing taxpayer dollars and funneling them to our donors.” DOGE’s investigation has uncovered billions in fraudulent pandemic relief, redundant climate change slush funds, NGO's and programs that appeared to exist solely to keep Hunter Biden’s art gallery in business.
“We expected to find some waste,” said Elon Musk "but we didn’t expect to find this much. Turns out, America’s biggest job creator wasn’t the private sector—it was government inefficiency. And now that we’re shutting down the gravy train, there’s bound to be some turbulence.”
Among the biggest revelations from DOGE’s audit:
$650 billion in pandemic relief fraud, including fraudulent claims from thousands of non-existent businesses, international crime syndicates, and one guy in California who received millions while living in his mother’s basement. (NBC News)
$200 billion in FEMA mismanagement, including disaster relief funds that were misallocated or never accounted for, such as multimillion-dollar contracts awarded to companies that failed to deliver any goods or services. (NY Post)
$100 billion in ‘anti-poverty’ funds that never reached the poor, including a Mississippi welfare scandal where millions intended for needy families were instead used to build a volleyball stadium and fund lavish lifestyles of connected elites. (Mississippi Today)
$50 billion lost to wasteful Pentagon contracts, including overpriced parts like $998,798 to ship two 19-cent washers—because nothing says “national security” like securing military-grade price gouging. (Washington Post)
Bidenomics: A Bubble of Bureaucratic Buffoonery
For years, economists have wondered why the economy seemed to be growing despite productivity remaining flat, the debt ballooning, and most of America living paycheck to paycheck. The answer? Fraud was fueling the system.
“We regret to inform the American people that under Joe Biden, the entire economy functioned like a giant Ponzi scheme,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, “It turns out that when you cut wasteful spending, some people actually lose their ‘jobs’—like the hundreds of ‘consultants’ who were making six figures to write DEI pamphlets no one ever read.”
Trump’s economic team assured Americans that this is a short-term pain for a long-term gain, much like ripping off a Band-Aid—or firing Chris Wray. “We understand that eliminating fraudulent spending means a brief slowdown,” said President Trump “but trust me, it’s better than propping up the economy with taxpayer-funded TikTok influencers.”
What’s Next?
While the news of a potential “recession-by-truth” has rattled the mainstream media, experts say it’s actually the best thing that could happen to the country.
“Real economic growth happens when people create actual value—not when bureaucrats manufacture make-believe jobs in Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion offices,” explained an economist from the Heritage Foundation. “This is like discovering you’ve been eating sawdust instead of steak. It’s going to be an adjustment, but in the long run, you’ll thank us.”
Despite the Biden administration’s best efforts to redefine what a recession is—rumor has it they were considering calling it a "negative prosperity event"—Trump’s team remains confident. “We are about to enter a golden age of economic revival,” said President Trump. “But first, we had to fumigate the house after the squatters left.”
In the meantime, CNN has already started pushing a new narrative: Fraud is essential for economic stability, and Trump’s crackdown on corruption is hurting the working class.
“Next thing you know, they’ll be saying that shutting down money laundering operations is a threat to national security,” scoffed President Trump.
At press time, DOGE had announced an additional $500 billion in identified savings. MSNBC immediately called it an “unprecedented attack on American prosperity.”
Now, back to work—there’s waste to sniff out!
Disclaimer:
For those unsure whether this is a parody or just an accidentally accurate news report—welcome to 2025, where reality and satire are in a head-on collision. If at any point you find yourself nodding along thinking, "Wait... this actually sounds about right," just know that’s not our fault. That’s just how absurd things have gotten.
We take no responsibility for anyone spitting out their coffee, calling their congressman, or reconsidering their life choices after reading this. If you experience an uncontrollable urge to fact-check our jokes, please consult your nearest common-sense provider.
And for the record, Elon Musk may be uncovering government waste, kickbacks, and corruption, but he’s not responsible for the next recession… though if you ask the Democrats, they’re already drafting a bill to pin it on him. Enjoy!
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