Washington D.C. is now the only workplace where a nap during meetings is considered "strategic thinking".
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In breaking news that could only be described as a mix of tragedy and farce, the nation’s Capitol appears to have transformed into the world's most exclusive nursing home, where the average age of political power rivals that of a tortoise at its 150th birthday. Recent events have Americans wondering: Is Congress legislating or just comparing orthopedic shoe brands?
Last week, Senator Mitch McConnell (82), fresh off a moment where he froze mid-press conference like someone hit the pause button on his life remote, took a tumble that reportedly “shook the marble floors of the Senate.” Not to be outdone, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (a spry 84, if you don’t count the hip injury from her most recent fall) was rushed to the hospital after what witnesses described as "an unfortunate tango with gravity."
And then, of course, there’s President Joe Biden, the White House's resident golden oldie at 81. Biden, who recently referred to his own wife as "that nice lady I keep seeing around," has become the poster child for cognitive decline—and for those collapsible grabber sticks that help you reach things on the high shelf.
“They’ve Gone Full Cocoon” Political insiders have quietly nicknamed Capitol Hill “Shady Acres,” complete with bingo nights and an early bird special at the Capitol cafeteria (where you can get a filibuster and a side of applesauce). Aides are reportedly working overtime to keep the nation’s top leaders from wandering into the wrong hearing rooms or calling each other by outdated nicknames like “Whippersnapper.”
"I walked into what I thought was a budget meeting and found Mitch McConnell debating a thermostat setting with Bernie Sanders," said one staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "It’s getting out of hand."
Senator Bernie Sanders (82) is the picture of health—for a man who probably watched the Great Depression in color. Sanders remains feisty, pushing for legislation to lower the price of oatmeal and expand Medicare to cover shuffleboard injuries. “The system is broken!” Sanders shouted during a recent press conference, before his dentures fell out mid-sentence.
Why Stop There? Rumors are swirling that the government is planning to install wheelchair ramps in the Capitol rotunda and distribute Life Alert buttons to every member of Congress over the age of 80. Sources close to the situation say that plans are also in motion to replace the traditional Speaker’s gavel with one of those rubber mallets used in physical therapy.
Meanwhile, the public is starting to catch on. “They’re running the country like it’s a potluck at the senior center,” said one voter, who noted that the only thing faster than Biden’s Teleprompter hiccups is the speed with which America’s geriatric leaders are racking up hospital bills.
Will the Kids Get a Turn? At this point, the average age of America’s political leadership is older than the invention of Velcro, and younger politicians are starting to get restless. Rumor has it that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (34) and Matt Gaetz (41) are planning a “Millennials Only” caucus where anyone over the age of 50 will be politely escorted out by TikTok influencers.
For now, though, the geriatrics still reign supreme. Congress is set to vote next week on a new resolution to raise the debt ceiling while lowering their blood pressure. Biden will sign it into law, assuming he remembers where the pen is.
So what’s next for America? Will the Capitol install stair lifts, or will they finally admit that term limits might not be such a bad idea? Only time—and a healthy supply of Ensure—will tell.
Stay tuned for updates as Congress debates the urgent question: prune juice or Metamucil?
Disclaimer: This article is intended to bring humor and lightheartedness to the absurdities of American politics, not to make light of anyone's health challenges. Aging is a universal journey (except for Chuck Norris, who apparently skipped it entirely), and we respect the dignity of every individual—whether they’re running a country or trying to remember where they left their glasses.
After all, if we can’t laugh at the chaos, we’d have to cry—and trust us, there’s not enough Kleenex in Washington for that. So grab a cup of prune juice, sit back, and let’s chuckle our way through the golden years of Capitol Hill! 🐘
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