Making America Balanced Again—One Exit at a Time
In what can only be described as the greatest trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever, Donald J. Trump has once again proven he is playing 4D chess while his opponents are still arguing over the rules of checkers. According to newly released polls, there has been a staggering 1,514% increase in Americans claiming they plan to leave the country after Trump’s reelection. And no, that doesn’t even include the usual suspects—celebrities like Whoopi Goldberg, Robert De Niro, and Taylor Swift, all of whom seem to have permanent reservations in Canada’s "Never Actually Going Anywhere" lounge.
But here’s the kicker: insiders reveal this isn’t just a coincidence or a side effect of Trump Derangement Syndrome—it’s part of a brilliant reverse psychology master plan. Trump, who famously authored The Art of the Deal, has now applied his business acumen to immigration policy, effectively balancing the illegal immigration crisis with an exodus of self-proclaimed “resisters” who hate everything about America except its ability to amplify their TikToks.
The Trump Plan: A Win-Win Transaction
“This is what we in the deal-making business call an absolute steal,” Trump reportedly said in a press conference at Mar-a-Lago. “We’re getting hardworking people who want to be in this country—great people, by the way—and we’re sending off the folks who think the American flag is a hate symbol. It’s a tremendous deal, folks, just tremendous.”
The former president went on to explain that his strategy was rooted in basic economic principles: supply and demand. With record-breaking illegal immigration under his predecessor, Joe Biden, Trump knew America had a surplus of people crossing the border to stay, while simultaneously dealing with an ever-growing surplus of people wishing they could leave because of their therapist’s overwhelming workload.
“So, I said, ‘Why not kill two birds with one stone?’ Not literally, of course—we love birds—but let’s trade America-haters for America-lovers. It's like trading a Prius for a Cadillac. Nobody loses. Nobody!” Trump quipped.
A Genius at Work
The strategy seems to be working. Tim Homan, Trump’s newly appointed immigration czar and head of ICE 2.0 (a rebranded version that also offers customer service hotlines for snowflake complaints), has already identified over 600,000 illegal immigrants who are “voluntarily” being sent home thanks to the Trump-Homan handshake. Meanwhile, left-wing activists have organized candlelight vigils at airports across the nation, tearfully saying goodbye to their fellow Americans who are heading off to Paris, Toronto, and, bizarrely, Venezuela to pursue a socialist utopia.
The strategy compliments Holman's mission in removing the criminals who Biden-Harris let in. “We’re calling it the Great Exchange Program,” Homan explained. “We get law-abiding individuals who respect our laws, and in return, we ship out professional activists who yell at store clerks for not using gender-neutral receipts.”
Celebrity Exodus: The Real Trade Deal
The cherry on top of this big, beautiful deal? The long-overdue celebrity departure.
“Oh, it’s great,” Trump said, smirking. “You’ve got all these celebrities—De Niro, Cher, Miley Cyrus—they’ve been threatening to leave since 2016. Well, guess what? Now we’re holding them to it. I even offered to send them complimentary one-way tickets. You want to go to Canada? Fine. Mexico? Even better. They’re building the wall for us on the other side!”
The Future of "Trump’s America"
Trump’s plan doesn’t stop there. He’s reportedly in talks to include an "Expatriation Incentive Program" in his second-term agenda, offering tax breaks to radical activists willing to self-deport. The program would be modeled after his tax cuts: “We’ll make it the most competitive offer they’ve ever seen. The only thing we won’t provide is therapy—they’ll have to scream into the void on their own dime.”
Meanwhile, his staunch supporters are celebrating the brilliance of the strategy, claiming it will not only reduce illegal immigration but also save taxpayer dollars previously spent on safe spaces, ironic protest signs, and tofu subsidies.
Final Thoughts
With Trump’s America now seeing an influx of immigrants who actually want to live the American Dream and an exodus of individuals who view that dream as a nightmare, the balance may finally be restored. And in true Trump fashion, he ended his press conference with a mic-drop moment: “The Art of the Deal isn’t just a book, folks—it’s a lifestyle. And let me tell you, this deal is the deal of the century. Goodbye, America-haters, and don’t let the Constitution hit you on the way out!”
As the saying goes: Some people watch history; others make it. Trump, as always, is busy doing both.
Disclaimer:
The idea presented here, while entirely in jest (and maybe just a little genius), is a win-win-win for everyone. Immigrants pursuing the American Dream get their shot, those who hate America get exactly what they want (a ticket out), and the surplus of people draining the country’s resources is perfectly balanced. It’s almost too good to be true—because it is. Relax, it’s satire.
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