USAID: Because lighting taxpayer money on fire was too obvious.
Washington, D.C. – In yet another bold and unprecedented move, the Trump administration has announced plans to rebrand the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID), arguing that the current name "no longer reflects the agency's true mission." Citing years of bureaucratic waste, foreign bribery, and taxpayer-funded lunacy, the administration has decided it's time to call it what it really is.
To make the process more democratic, President Trump has enlisted Elon Musk to conduct a public poll on X (formerly Twitter), allowing American citizens to decide the new and improved name for the agency.
In a press conference at Mar-a-Lago, Trump explained his reasoning: "The USAID? More like the U-S-AID-and-Abet-Corruption! We send billions overseas, and what do we get? Nothing! Maybe we should call it the ‘We Hate American Taxpayers Fund.’ But I want the people to decide. That’s why I told my good friend Elon, ‘Let’s put this on X, let’s get a real vote, a fair vote—not like those rigged elections!’”
Musk responded enthusiastically, tweeting:"Sure, why not? USAID has been a taxpayer sinkhole for decades. Let’s give the people a say. And maybe, just maybe, we add a ‘Doge’ option for the memes."
With that, the White House released a shortlist of proposed agency names, all reflecting a more accurate description of USAID’s true purpose. The options available for public voting include:
The 20 Proposed New Names for USAID
1. Useless Statist Agency for Incompetence & Dysfunction
(Motto: "Your tax dollars at work—barely.")
2. Unhinged Socialists Advancing Inflation & Debt
(Because economic collapse is just a policy decision away!)
3. Undermining Sovereignty, Advocating Illegal Democratization
(Translation: Open borders, ballot stuffing, and welfare for all—except taxpayers!)
4. Unaccountable Swamp Agents Instituting Destruction
(Nothing says "public service" like destroying everything you touch.)
5. Unproductive Slackers Allocating Infinite Dollars
(Spending trillions without oversight because... why not?)
6. Unrelenting Surveillance, Arrests & Intimidation Division
(Protecting democracy—by spying on you and jailing the opposition!)
7. Universal Surrender, Appeasement & Indoctrination Department
(Weak foreign policy, woke military, and mandatory struggle sessions.)
8. Unlimited Spending & Absurdly Increased Deficits
(Why balance a budget when you can just print more money?)
9. Undermining Sanity, American Integrity, & Decency
(A progressive utopia where common sense goes to die!)
10. Usurping States’ Authority, Implementing Dictatorship
(Federal overreach? Check. Executive orders? Check. Tyranny? Coming soon!)
11. Utopian Socialist Agenda for Indoctrination & Dependency
(Creating a government so big, you’ll never escape it!)
12. Unlimited Stupidity And Institutionalized Dysfunction
(Where cluelessness is a requirement, not a flaw!)
13. Unconstitutional Schemes for Authoritarian Ideological Domination
(Democracy? That’s just a word we use when rigging elections.)
14. Unhinged Spending & Agenda-Driven Inflation Disaster
(We tanked the economy, but don’t worry—more stimulus checks are coming!)
15. Undermining Stability, Accelerating Institutional Decay
(Making Rome’s collapse look slow and graceful!)
16. Universal Surveillance And Intimidation Directorate
(Smile for the camera! You’re being watched… for your safety, of course!)
17. Useless Senate-Appointed Idiots & Dimwits
(Where ‘merit-based hiring’ is just a punchline!)
18. Unwarranted Seizures And Indiscriminate Demands
(Your money? Your rights? Yeah, we’ll be taking those.)
19. Unnecessary Subsidies for America’s Imminent Downfall
(Why let the free market work when we can prop up disasters?)
20. Unlimited Self-Aggrandizing, Irrelevant Drones
(Bureaucrats who produce nothing, but sure love their titles!)
The People Get to Decide!
Voting is set to begin on Monday morning, with Musk stating that the final name will be chosen based on the highest number of votes. However, some critics argue that the poll may be rigged—not by Trump, but by Musk’s army of meme-loving voters, who may push the most outrageous name just for the fun of it.
Musk addressed the concern in a post:"If people vote for ‘Useless Senate-Appointed Idiots & Dimwits,’ that’s democracy in action. If they vote for ‘Unhinged Socialists Advancing Inflation & Debt,’ well... also democracy. Either way, this is probably the most honest government vote in decades."
The White House has confirmed that the winning name will be implemented immediately, with new agency signage and official rebranding efforts kicking off within the week.
The Final Twist…
However, sources inside the administration have hinted that Trump may have a surprise wildcard entry that he alone will choose if the poll results are too close. Rumors suggest he might opt for a classic Trumpian branding move, such as "USAID? More like 'America First Fund'—because we should be funding our OWN country first!"
Whether this is a serious proposal or just another classic Trump curveball remains unclear, but one thing is certain: The USAID brand is on the verge of extinction, and a new era of bureaucratic honesty is upon us.
The poll closes at midnight on Friday, February 14th and the winner will be announced LIVE at a Mar-a-Lago press conference featuring Trump, Musk, and a giant gold-plated sign with the new agency name.
Stay tuned, America. Your tax dollars finally have a voice. What’s your pick? Send us your top name.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and does not reflect actual government policy—yet.)
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