In a revolutionary effort to ensure no one ever feels left out, leading dictionaries have agreed to a sweeping change in the English language: all pronouns will now be replaced with "Comrade." This bold move is aimed at fostering a utopia of inclusivity where every individual is equally unidentifiable.
The decision emerged from a grueling 78-hour session of the World Language Council, during which members consumed copious amounts of coffee and engaged in fervent debates over the burgeoning list of new pronouns. 'It was either this or start assigning pronouns inspired by elements from the periodic table,' remarked one weary linguist. 'I advocated for "Comrade" because the thought of saying, "Excuse me, Helium, could you pass the water?" was simply too absurd.'"
Publishers are already scrambling to reprint dictionaries with the new changes. A spokesperson for Merriam-Webster, speaking from a bunker under undisclosed piles of previous editions, shared, "We've removed about 37 pages of pronouns. It's all 'Comrade' now, which makes printing way cheaper and proofreading a breeze.
"In an unexpected twist, grammar teachers around the globe are rejoicing. "Teaching pronouns was a nightmare," confessed an English teacher from Ohio. "Now, I just play old Soviet anthems and hand out red pens. The kids love it, and the classroom has never been more harmonious.
"Meanwhile, the tech industry is hurrying to update voice recognition software to adapt to this new norm. Siri and Alexa will soon respond to all inquiries with a stern, "Yes, Comrade," regardless of the request. "It simplifies coding significantly," explained a lead engineer from Silicon Valley. "We've replaced thousands of lines of code with a single, all-encompassing term. Plus, it really gives your morning weather report a dash of authoritarian zest.
"Social media reactions have been overwhelmingly positive, with #ComradeCraze trending worldwide. "Finally, I can tweet without worrying about mispronouncing someone!" tweeted one user, followed by a string of hammer and sickle emojis.
In light of these changes, some are pushing for further reforms, such as replacing all titles with "Comrade" as well. "Why stop at pronouns? Let's make it all fair and square," proposed a particularly enthusiastic professor of equality studies. As for the public's response, surveys indicate widespread approval. "It's so much easier," said one shopper, interviewed at a local supermarket. "I just shout 'Hey, Comrade!' and everyone turns around. Super efficient."
With this change, dictionaries not only hope to eliminate linguistic inequality but also bring a little bit of comradery back into everyday conversation. Next on the agenda? Possibly replacing all forms of currency with Monopoly money to ensure economic equality. Stay tuned, Comrades.
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