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the elephant's Den

Parody: Help Wanted - Democrats Seek New Figurehead for America's Puppet Show!

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

It’s a dark and stormy night in Washington D.C., and the Democrats are huddled in the basement of the Capitol, whispering about their biggest secret: Joe Biden’s cognitive decline is now as obvious as an elephant in the room (pun intended). The man who was once the life of the party now looks more lost than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles. With the next election looming and the specter of Donald Trump haunting their dreams, it’s time for the Democrats to do what they do best – panic.


Rumor has it that Biden’s handlers are putting out feelers for a replacement. The DNC is basically treating the White House like a reality show, desperately searching for the next great talent. It's like "The Bachelor," but with less romance and more national security risks.


The Candidates: More Than a Daytime Soap!


Michelle Obama: The former First Lady has charisma, a strong following, and a penchant for gardening that would make the Rose Garden great again. But rumor has it she’s not interested in trading her comfy post-White House life for the political mosh pit. Besides, she'd have to work closely with Kamala, and there's only so much fake laughter one person can handle.

Gavin Newsom: California’s golden boy with hair so perfect it should be declared a national treasure. Sure, he's got the experience and the style, but moving from the land of avocado toast to the land of cheeseburgers might be too much of a culture shock. Plus, convincing the rest of the country that California isn't just Hollywood and wildfires could be a tough sell.

Dr. Jill Biden: Why not keep it in the family? She’s already got the title, the White House

address, and at this point, probably the nuclear launch codes. The problem? Running the country while also running a family that's falling apart like a Jenga tower at a frat party.


The Wild Cards: Because Why Not?


Bernie Sanders: The man, the myth, the mitten-wearing legend. Sure, he’s older than Biden, but at least he’s honest about being a socialist. His campaign slogan could be, “Feel the Bern – before it’s too late!”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: Ah, the Democratic black sheep. The party would sooner endorse a pet rock than let him run, but imagine the irony. A Kennedy back in the White House? It would be like reliving the 1960s, but with fewer conspiracies... or maybe not.

Hillary Clinton: The champion of second (and third, and fourth) chances. Who needs fresh blood when you have the persistence of a perennial candidate? Her slogan? “Because the fifth time’s the charm!” If she runs, we might finally find out if America has reached its quota on political dynasties.


Kamala Harris: The Ghost at the Feast

Noticeably absent from the shortlist is Kamala Harris, the woman who was supposed to be one heartbeat away from the presidency but seems to be one whisper away from irrelevance. Her approval ratings are lower than a limbo stick at a snake convention, and her public speaking engagements are more cringe-inducing than a middle school talent show.


Conclusion: The Great Unknown

As the Democrats scramble to find a replacement for Biden, the nation watches with bated breath (and a bowl of popcorn). Will it be a celebrity, a seasoned politician, or someone so obscure that even Google has to ask, "Who?" One thing's for sure: the next few months are going to be more entertaining than a season finale of “The Apprentice.”


So, who’s really running the country? Your guess is as good as mine. For now, all we can do is sit back, enjoy the show, and hope that somewhere out there, the perfect candidate is waiting to take the stage – before the curtains fall on the Democrats’ grand performance.

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