Last night's Vice-Presidential debate gave us an unexpected but well-deserved winner of this year's Pinocchio Awards - Governor Tim Walz, the man who has made fiction look like a lifestyle. In what can only be described as a historic moment of self-inflicted hilarity, Walz was caught spinning so many lies during his debate with JD Vance that it’s a wonder his nose didn’t stretch across the stage. While NBC’s moderators were frantically trying to prop up their fragile narrative, JD Vance coolly dominated the entire scene, as if he was competing in a debate triathlon against not just Walz but also the moderators, who seemed to be competing for the "Best Human Shield" award.
Meet Tim "Whopper Walz"
If Pinocchio had a running mate, Tim "Whopper Walz" would surely get the nod. Walz’s talents for spinning wild tales would make even Kamala Harris blush. Walz awkwardly sidestepped questions about Kamala's record on inflation, crime, and the border crisis to his own questionable policies, and his ability to twist reality was on full display. But let’s break down his greatest hits from the debate, which left even his own team frantically googling “How to retract lies in real-time.
Lie #1: The Tiananmen Tall Tale
During the debate, Walz was questioned about his passionate description of being in Hong Kong during the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre. He had previously given a vivid account of witnessing the Chinese government's crackdown, complete with teary-eyed reflections. He might have earned an Oscar for his performance—if only it were true. As it turns out, Walz was in Nebraska, nowhere near Hong Kong! Perhaps he just forgot the minor detail that he didn’t arrive in China until months after the massacre. But we can’t fault him—time zones are tricky, especially when they span continents and inconvenient truths. Walz later explained that he’s a "knucklehead," claiming his brain gets “emotional” and his “bad grammar” apparently causes him to forget entire years of his life.
Lie #2: The Eye Witness Account That Wasn’t
In a dramatic moment, Walz shared a heart-wrenching story about his son, Gus, witnessing a tragic shooting. It was the emotional peak of the debate, with JD Vance even offering his condolences. But after the debate, we learned that Gus hadn’t actually witnessed the shooting. He was inside a sports complex while the shooting occurred outside, involving another person. The building went into lockdown, and that's how Gus learned about the incident—talk about a game of telephone gone wrong. It's like claiming you survived a tornado because you saw it on the Weather Channel. But don’t worry, Walz’s spin team is probably hard at work rewriting history: “Gus heard about a shooting, and really, isn’t that just as traumatic as seeing it?”
Lie #3: The Great Abortion Denial
Last but not least is Walz’s denial of supporting late-term abortions. This is where it gets truly ridiculous. Six states and Washington D.C. allow abortion without restrictions, and Minnesota—thanks to Walz—is proudly part of that club. Walz even signed a bill allowing viable babies born alive during botched abortions to be left to die with “comfort care.” Yes, you read that right—comfort care, which means providing comfort, not medical attention, allowing the baby to eventually die. It's estimated that eight babies have tragically died since Walz signed this horrific bill. The reason why the death count is "estimated" is because Walz also signed another bill to discontinue the tracking of babies who survive attempted abortions. How convenient. Walz is responsible for one of the most extreme abortion policies in the world.
When confronted with these facts, Walz channeled his inner Houdini and tried to make the truth disappear. But even the moderators couldn’t perform that magic trick. Instead, they squirmed, like kids caught stealing from the cookie jar, hoping no one would notice the crumbs all over their faces. JD Vance, however, wasn’t about to let Walz off the hook, exposing the absurdity of a man who can’t even remember his own legislative track record.
Closing Thoughts: The Pinocchio Legacy
Tim Walz has officially taken the art of lying to new, uncharted territories. In his world, you can be a war hero without going to war, create your own military rank, witness tragedies you weren’t present for, and pass extreme laws that you later pretend don’t exist. We should have seen this coming when Walz married his wife on the fifth anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre. Nothing says “romance” like using a tragedy to make sure you never forget your anniversary.
But the best part? This guy is actually running for Vice President. It’s almost like the Democrats decided to stage their own comedy show, with Tim “Whopper Walz" as the headliner. It’s safe to say, the real question isn’t if Walz will lie again—it's what he'll lie about next.
So here’s to Tim Walz, this year’s undisputed winner of the 2024 Pinocchio Award, and an example of what happens when you make storytelling a full-contact sport. May his nose grow ever longer, as the lies get ever more absurd.
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