Donald Trump’s recent escapades have highlighted a glaring issue: the Secret Service seems to have swapped their rigorous training for a Keystone Cops crash course. It’s almost as if they’re testing the waters for a new reality show, “Survivor: Presidential
Edition.” So, if you’ve ever dreamed of protecting a former president while turning a blind eye to blatant security threats, this is your golden opportunity!
Wanted: Secret Service Agents! No Experience Required!
Job Qualifications:
1. Eagle Eye Optional: Ability to spot the obvious. If you can see someone wielding a firearm at a political rally and think, "Hmm, that’s peculiar," you’re our kind of agent. Bonus points if you can squint suspiciously while doing nothing about it.
2. Rooftop Acrobats Welcome: When noticing a person with a gun climbing onto a roof during a speech, the preferred reaction is a casual shrug. Extra kudos for mistaking the individual for a dedicated photographer or an overenthusiastic bird watcher.
3. Red Flag Recognition: Proficiency in ignoring red flags. Seeing a suspicious character with a weapon? Just assume they're a well-meaning citizen with a penchant for rooftop gardening. It’s all about positive thinking!
4. Advanced Nonchalance:Expertise in responding to public panic with a reassuring, “Relax, it’s just a drill.” When attendees at a rally scream about a man with a rifle, a practiced eye roll and a confident dismissal are crucial skills.
5. Simulation Training: Familiarity with video games where the hero always survives despite bumbling security. Think “Grand Theft Auto” meets “The Sims.” The less realistic your approach to protection, the better.
6. Disaster Tolerance: Ability to maintain composure during catastrophes. When the rally turns into a circus and the speaker is in the crosshairs, calmly sipping coffee and reading a newspaper demonstrates the zen-like calm we aspire to.
Preferred Skills:
Selective Hearing: Ability to filter out alarming shouts like “Gun!” and “Help!” focusing instead on positive affirmations like “Nice suit!” and “Great job!”
Distraction Mastery: Capable of diverting attention from imminent threats with magic tricks, balloon animals, or impromptu dance routines. Remember, entertainment is the best defense.
Comic Timing: Possess a natural talent for slapstick comedy. Tripping over shoelaces, accidentally discharging a water pistol, or getting stuck in a revolving door are all highly valued maneuvers.
On-the-Job Perks
Unlimited Laughter: Enjoy the camaraderie of a team that thrives on absurdity and inefficiency. Every day is an episode of a sitcom where the laugh track never ends.
Historic Moments: Be part of history as you protect a former president with a security detail more reminiscent of a sitcom than a serious operation. Future generations will marvel at your nonchalance in the face of danger.
Flexible Morality:Work in an environment where the definition of “security” is as flexible as your approach to recognizing threats. If you can make it look like part of the plan, you’re doing it right.
Join us in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to redefine what it means to be a Secret Service agent. Because at the end of the day, who needs vigilance and professionalism when you have humor and a knack for the ridiculous? Apply now and become part of the most absurd, laugh-out-loud team in the history of presidential protection.
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