Make America Trim Again: More Workout, and No Woke Out
Democrat Influencer Discovers World’s First 'Oppression-Fueled' Metabolism—Blames Trump
In a shocking turn of events, Democrat influencer Olivia Juliana has made an earth-shattering revelation— she claims she has allegedly lost 50 pounds because she “can’t afford to eat” ever since Donald Trump won the election.
Yes, dear reader, you heard that right. Forget record inflation under the Biden-Harris Administration, the skyrocketing costs of gas and groceries, and the devastating price hike on oat milk lattes—this is all Trump’s fault.
The ‘Dictator Diet’: Eat Less, Blame Trump More!
"I’m actually down 50 pounds because I can’t afford to eat in Trump’s economy,” Juliana lamented—between retweets of avocado toast recipes and requests for more donations to her activism fund.
Experts were quick to point out that Trump hasn’t been in office for a month, but why let facts get in the way of a good victimhood narrative?
Sources close to Juliana report that she was last seen walking past a Whole Foods, sighing wistfully at the organic quinoa section before dramatically fainting onto a fair-trade yoga mat. When concerned citizens suggested she might try shopping at more affordable grocery stores, Juliana reportedly gasped in horror, clutched her ethically sourced pearls, and shrieked, “Do you think I’m some kind of Republican?! I’d rather starve than eat non-organic!”
Who Knew Trump’s Economy Was the Most Effective Weight-Loss Program Since Ozempic?
Political analysts predict that within Trump’s first 100 days, Juliana will claim she’s withering away faster than the mainstream media’s credibility. Some insiders fear she might even have to make the ultimate sacrifice—downgrading her Starbucks order from a venti to a grande.
In response to Juliana’s crisis, the DNC has already begun drafting emergency legislation to provide “Influencer Relief Funds” to ensure that activists can continue to afford their essential food groups—kombucha, kale, and the sweet, sweet taste of self-pity.
California Governor Gavin Newsom has also chimed in, calling for food stimulus checks to prevent any more devastating weight loss among social media influencers. “We simply cannot allow a political party to force weight loss upon people,” Newsom declared. “This is an attack on body autonomy, and we must act now.”
So Trump Made Her Thinner, Richer, and Less Dependent on Government? Sounds Like a Win!
MSNBC experts are now reporting a national emergency among influencers, many of whom are realizing that DoorDash isn’t free under a Trump administration.
Meanwhile, economic experts are completely baffled by Juliana’s claim. “If this were Biden’s economy,” one noted, “she’d be 75 pounds heavier—because all she’d be eating is government cheese.”
Others have pointed out inconsistencies in Juliana’s tragic tale of starvation. “So she couldn’t afford food but had enough money to post about it on her iPhone 15 Pro?” one analyst questioned. “She’s really out here starving for attention… literally.”
Republicans Respond: ‘Make America Skinny Again’
Upon hearing the claim, Trump took to Truth Social to respond:
“50 pounds?! Believe me, folks, that’s nothing. If the economy’s making people lose weight, then trust me—we’re going to make it the BIGGEST, CLASSIEST weight loss program in history. They’ll be thanking me. Believe me.”
Following Trump’s remarks, Republican strategists have reportedly considered rebranding “Make America Great Again” to “Make America Skinny Again.”
Finally, a diet plan where the only thing inflating is the media's hysteria!
Give Her a Nobel Prize—She Just Discovered the World’s First ‘Oppression-Fueled’ Metabolism!
Democrat influencers appear to be suffering under the intolerable hardship of… buying their own food. Experts predict that as 2028 approaches, many may begin fasting involuntarily—not for health reasons, but simply because they’re too busy complaining on X to get a job.
Special Bonus: Breaking News in 2025
“Trump Economy So Bad, I Had to Cut My Starbucks Budget to Just 7 Lattes a Day”
“Woke Activist Finds Out Grocery Stores Require Money, Calls It A Fascist Plot’”
“So She Couldn’t Afford Food, but She Can Afford a $200 Vegan Candle?”
"Turns out Trumpenomics isn't just fattening wallets... it's trimming waistlines too!"
“New Study Confirms: Living in a Liberal Echo Chamber Burns More Calories Than Cardio”
Stay tuned for more breaking news as we continue investigating whether Trump is also responsible for why influencers can’t afford their second vacation this year.
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