NOVEMBER 6, 2024
Over the last few weeks (let's be honest, the last sixteen years), millions of Americans (living and otherwise) cast their votes — not just for president, but for leaders at every level (many of whom we were kind enough to pre-select). Now, the results are in, and to appear as respectful Americans, we’d like to congratulate President Trump (a.k.a. Hitler) and Senator Vance (a.k.A. Mussolini) in their (crushing, and frankly shocking) victory.
This isn’t the outcome we’d hoped for, considering all the hard work, creative vote-counting, and buying out almost every media outlet in America (not to mention our thoughtful revisions to voter eligibility standards). Still, democracy (or at least the appearance of it) is about recognizing that our (heavily curated) point of view won’t always prevail. Sometimes, despite extensive guidance from social media czars, some people simply can’t be fooled.
Michelle and I could not be prouder of Vice President Harris and Governor Walz (handpicked by us and by George Soros himself), two remarkable public (puppets) servants who ran a stunning campaign. We are deeply grateful to the tireless staff and volunteers who poured their heart and soul into this campaign — truly remarkable, given how little they actually knew about the candidates and, let's say, our broader objectives.
As I said on the campaign trail, America has been through a lot these past few years. (Our unique, diversity-driven identity politics initiatives have successfully pitted black against white, old against young, and so on, in ways we could have only dreamed!). We've navigated a historic (pre-coordinated) pandemic with China playing its part and big pharma stepping up just as planned.
Efforts to silence ou to political opponents back fired on us and created numerous headwinds, making it harder to pull off the kind of victory we managed in 2020. (Turns out, that “living room election” strategy can’t work in every cycle.)
The good news is that the challenges we (so artfully orchestrated) are indeed solvable. However, we’ll need everyone to believe in our (propaganda) messaging, stay tuned to our broadcasts, and uphold the (steadily evolving) socialist norms that we are striving for. Let us hope that our neighbors can be properly re-educated in the years to come.
In a country as vast and diverse as ours, it’s understandable that not every citizen will readily embrace the narrative we've meticulously crafted. After all, true progress isn’t about endless debate or dissent; it’s about ensuring that the right message prevails, even if it requires a bit of guidance from those of us who understand the bigger picture.
Thus, progress demands a careful blend of selective goodwill and the strategic application of Rules & Mandates. For a society to truly flourish, it requires more than cooperation—it demands obedience, blind trust, and a willing submission to leadership that knows what’s best. Because in the end, unity is strongest when every voice echoes the same conviction, with unwavering loyalty to the vision we lay before you.
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Sources report that the first draft, crafted by the Obamas themselves with input from George Soros’s top “Narrative Management Committee,” underwent an intense round of edits before its release to the public. See the politically correct version here:
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Disclaimer:
For our friends who may be leaning a bit too far left, please note: the above letter is purely fictional, edited to imagine what the Obamas might say if transparency were the aim rather than political polish.
No, George Soros doesn’t actually run a “Narrative Management Committee” (or does he?), and the Obamas didn’t write this version of the letter (at least not publicly).
So, before anyone fires up a fact-check or calls this a “dangerous conspiracy,” let’s remember: this is satire. Relax, take a deep breath, and let your sense of humor take the wheel.
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