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Staged Assassination ~ Where Politics and Creative Strategies Collide (PARODY)

Top Democratic adviser Dmitri Mehlhorn has done it again. Known for his astute political strategies and penchant for drama, he recently urged journalists to consider that the attempted assassination of President Trump was not just an assassination but a staged assassination. Yes, you heard that right. Not content with the regular political mudslinging, Mehlhorn has brought us into the realm of Hollywood thrillers.


This idea was unveiled in an email Mehlhorn sent out with the kind of casualness usually reserved for suggesting a new brunch spot. Mehlhorn suggested that the shooting was not the work of a crazed anti-Trumper but a carefully orchestrated ploy by Trump himself to garner sympathy and rally his base. Because, obviously, that's what people do—stage assassination attempts on themselves to get a good photo op and a few extra votes.


The email, obtained by Semafor, reads like a script from a Cold War spy movie: "One possibility—which feels horrific and alien and absurd in America, but is quite common globally—is that this 'shooting' was encouraged and maybe even staged so Trump could get the photos and benefit from the backlash." This isn't just any conspiracy theory; this is conspiracy theory with a side of caviar and a sprinkle of Putin.


Mehlhorn, ever the tactician, draws parallels to Vladimir Putin’s alleged tactics in Russia. Because when you're trying to smear someone, why not compare them to a global antagonist? It's like saying, "Sure, your neighbor’s dog might have bitten you, but did you consider that your neighbor trained their dog using techniques from North Korean military manuals?"


He goes on to paint a vivid picture of Trump, the pampered baby who supposedly cowered before an eagle but now miraculously showcases the bravery of a Marvel superhero in the face of an assassination attempt. "Look at the actual shot. Look at the staging. Look at how ready Trump is to rally," Mehlhorn insists. It’s almost as if he expects us to believe that Trump, who reportedly struggles with an umbrella, suddenly has the cunning of James Bond.


The pièce de résistance of this email is Mehlhorn’s lament that journalists haven't already considered this outlandish storyline. "Ask the question, people," he implores, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. Because who wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that an assassination attempt is a PR stunt?


Reid Hoffman, the LinkedIn founder and Mehlhorn's partner in this political theatre, remains silent in the background, probably busy figuring out how to network with extraterrestrials on his professional social platform. Together, Hoffman and Mehlhorn have invested "nine figures" to prevent Trump from returning to office. That's right, they're not just investing in elections; they're investing in the narrative, the drama, the spectacle.


Mehlhorn's email concludes with a call to journalistic integrity—or something resembling it. He wants reporters to dig deep, to question everything, to consider the most absurd possibilities. After all, in the world of political theatre, the show must go on.


So, ladies and gentlemen, buckle up. The circus is in town, and Dmitri Mehlhorn is the ringmaster, ready to entertain us with the wildest conspiracy theories and the most dramatic political plot twists. Grab your popcorn, because in this show, reality is stranger than fiction.

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