Once upon a time in America, we fought valiantly to end segregation. The marches, the protests, the speeches all for that precious goal of unity and equality! But why stop progress there? Welcome to 2024, where Michigan's Grand Valley State University has decided to give segregation another whirl, but this time with a sprinkle of diversity glitter. Now, they're offering up graduation ceremonies by race, sexuality, and gender identity! That's right folks, separate water fountains are out, but separate stages are all the rage!
Now, before you start hyperventilating into your Constitution, let's break it down. In addition to their standard, "boring-for-everyone" graduation, GVSU is pulling out the VIP ropes to offer individual ceremonies based on whatever box you checked on your college application. Got a favorite minority status? Well, step right up! They've got one for Black students, Asian students, Hispanic students, Native American students, and, of course, the entire rainbow of LGBTQ+ students. All that's missing is a commemorative lunchbox with your very own pronouns engraved.
But, if you're one of those pesky "straight white people," don't hold your breath for your own graduation party. According to GVSU, your special celebration is the warm feeling you'll get knowing you're parents are funding these events with your tuition dollars. Lucky you! As conservative commentator Matt Walsh pointed out, you'll have to sit quietly in the corner and reflect on your privilege while everyone else gets their own exclusive party. Because hey, nothing says equality like exclusion!
The university, however, has kindly reassured us that they're not segregating. No, no, no. They're just... dividing people into smaller groups based on the color of their skin, sexual preferences, and ancestral heritage. You know, as a compliment to their larger commencement. How thoughtful. It's like having a wedding but seating everyone at tables marked "Hetero," "Lesbian," or "Half-Asian with.Gluten Intolerance."
The university, however, has kindly reassured us that they're not segregating. No, no, no. They're just... dividing people into smaller groups based on the color of their skin, sexual preferences, and ancestral heritage. You know, as a compliment to their larger commencement. How thoughtful. It's like having a wedding but seating everyone at tables marked "Hetero," "Lesbian," or "Half-Asian with Gluten Intolerance."
GVSU spokespersons were quick to defend the decision, stating these mini-ceremonies provide a more "intimate celebration" of students' unique experiences. Ah yes, intimate- because nothing screams "you're special" like an event that segregates you from everyone else based on things you didn't actually choose.GVSU spokespersons were quick to defend the decision, stating these mini-ceremonies provide a more "intimate celebration" of students' unique experiences. Ah yes, intimate- because nothing screams "you're special" like an event that segregates you from everyone else based on things you didn't actually choose.
And it's not just GVSU. Universities all across the country are jumping on this segregation 2.0 bandwagon. Harvard and Columbia already have these niche ceremonies too! Apparently, the Ivy League looked at separate-but-equal and thought, "Well, if we just throw in a Pride flag, it's totally different!"
Segregation, But Make It Fashion!
Imagine if universities took this trend even further. Next thing you know, Mid Valley State will install five different water fountains-one for each celebrated group! Separate dorms by race? Why not! Don't even get me started on the cafeteria menu; each "identity table" gets its own specialized cuisine. Black students can enjoy Southern soul food, the Hispanic crowd will be treated to endless taco Tuesdays, and the LGBT+ table can sip on rainbow frappuccinos while nibbling on kale chips. Meanwhile, straight white students will get... saltine crackers, I guess.
And wait until you see the diversity-themed bathrooms: Want to express your true self? Well, you've got six doors to choose from-complete with your personalized gender emblem in rainbow font. How empowering!
Let's not forget the upcoming exclusive libraries! No more sharing books! Everyone can have their own culturally-appropriate literature section. Asian students will be issued the collected works of Confucius, while Black students get a Beyoncé-inspired book club. The LGBTQ+ students will receive all the memoirs from RuPaul's Drag Race. Progress!
What If We Flip the Script?
Now, let's imagine the cultural meltdown if GVSU (or any university for that matter) dared to hold a ceremony exclusively for straight white students. The outrage! The hashtags! I can practically hear the outrage symphony: "#WhitePrivilege Parade," "#NotMyCommencement," "#SegregationForSome ButNotForMe!" The university's leadership would be fired before the ink dried on their "Diversity Is Our Strength" bumper stickers.
But let's be honest, we know that would never happen. You see, segregation is only offensive when it's not dripping with virtue. If you're dividing people to celebrate diversity and not... well, anything else, it's perfectly fine, and if you question that logic? You, my friend, are clearly un-woke.
In Conclusion: Segregation Is the New Unity
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, segregation is back, and this time it's "for the greater good." Apparently, the way to end division is by doubling down on it, making sure each group is comfortable in its own little bubble, free from the horrors of interacting with others. Who needs a melting pot when you can have a segmented fondue set?
Grand Valley State University has certainly pioneered a new way forward. Forget that Martin Luther King Jr. guy who dreamed of a world where people weren't judged by the color of their skin. That's old news. Instead, let's judge by skin, gender, sexual orientation, and, while we're at it, throw in hair texture just to be safe.
So here's to GVSU for bravely bringing segregation back to American society, this time with balloons, identity flags, and customized name cards. Who needs unity when we can all just huddle into our own special interest groups and avoid each other entirely?
Ah, progress. Isn't it great?
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