The Biden administration has finally cracked open the great mystery behind the bag of cocaine found in the White House. Their conclusion? Donald Trump, obviously.
In a hastily arranged press conference, a visibly frazzled spokesperson declared, "We have substantial evidence that Mr. Trump, who no longer lives or works here, clandestinely planted this baggie of white powder during his infamous final tour of the building. It was a dastardly attempt to undermine our very clean and totally pure government. He probably brought it in a briefcase disguised as a MAGA hat.”
In a moment of panic, aides scrambled to explain the powdery substance found near the Oval Office, only to sheepishly admit that it might simply be President Biden's excessive dandruff. "He's been stressing over infrastructure talks," one insider revealed, "and apparently, his scalp is feeling the pressure too."
Meanwhile, speculation also mounted about Vice President Kamala Harris' involvement in the mystery. The VP coyly admitted that the mysterious substance could just be her personal supply of "unicorn dust," which she swears by for a little extra 'sparkle' during diplomatic meetings. "It's not illegal," she quipped, "just whimsically misunderstood."
Experts agree that by identifying literally everyone but themselves as a suspect, the Biden administration is effectively practicing the age-old art of "CYA" (Cover Your Administration).
They’re also considering launching a full investigation into why the Founding Fathers didn't install a "cocaine-free zone" sign in 1787.
Meanwhile, President Biden himself has assured the American public that his team is on high alert to prevent future incidents. “We're going to put up cameras in every crevice of this historic building," he said, "except maybe the gift shop. We don't want to scare the tourists away with Big Brother."
And thus, the cocaine mystery remains open, because if you throw enough accusations against the wall, something’s bound to stick.
Stay tuned for the next episode of “Whodunit in the White House,” where new suspects will include the Easter Bunny, the Secret Service, and that random tourist who walked in looking for the National Archives.
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