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PARODY: Vegan Activists to Launch Satellite to Block Sunlight to Discourage Meat Consumption.

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

In an audacious move that combines high-tech engineering with high stakes activism, a group of vegan activists announced plans today to launch a massive satellite into orbit, with the sole purpose of blocking sunlight from reaching the Earth's surface. The initiative, dubbed "Shade the Herds," aims to cool down the planet sufficiently to make livestock farming impractical, thus propelling a global shift toward a plant-based diet."


We've tried protests, we've tried documentaries, we've tried gluing ourselves to burger joints," said Kale Moore the founder of the activist group Vegans for a Darker Tomorrow. "It's time for something bigger. Literally."


The proposed satellite, which designers have whimsically shaped like a giant tofu cube, will be positioned in geostationary orbit to cast a permanent shadow over the world's major cattle farming regions. The activists claim that the resulting drop in temperatures and sunlight will not only save the polar ice caps but also make it sweater weather all year round for the cows, who might appreciate not being barbecued in the global warming-induced heat.


Agricultural experts are baffled by the plan. Dr. Ham, a cattle rancher and an agricultural economist, commented, "I'm not sure these folks understand how the sun works. You can't just turn it off. Plus, what about solar energy? My farm just installed solar panels last year."


Critics of the plan are also concerned about unintended consequences, such as crippling crop production and plummeting temperatures. However, the activists are undeterred, suggesting that everyone could simply wear extra layers. "If the planet gets too cold, that's just another reason to cuddle up and eat some warm vegan soup," suggested Storm.


The funding for the satellite comes from George Soros, Bill Gates, and an aggressive GoFundMe campaign that offers rewards ranging from "a heartfelt thank you" to "naming rights to a shadow patch."


NASA has distanced itself from the project, with a spokesperson stating, "We focus on real space missions, like going to Mars, not making Earth Mars-like."


The launch date for the satellite is set for April 1, 2025. Until then, the world waits under the same old sun, grilling the same old burgers, blissfully unaware of the dark—or rather, shaded—times that may lie ahead.

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