In an unprecedented move that's shocking conservative grandmas and bioethicists alike, a new startup dubbed "PureSeed Crypto-Gonads" is claiming to revolutionize the financial and reproductive landscapes—by turning unvaccinated sperm into the hottest new cryptocurrency. It's "crypto," but with more... biological liquidity.
The company’s CEO, Brock Masterson, a man who wears sunglasses indoors and claims to drink raw eggs for their "market potential," insists that this initiative is less about profit and more about "preserving the sanctity of unadulterated human essence." Critics, however, are calling it the ultimate cash grab—a scheme cooked up in a world gone mad with blockchain fever.
Masterson’s venture capital-funded empire operates out of a fortified bunker, which he claims is "as pure as the product we produce." Here, the air is filtered and workers are paid in "PureCoin," the only currency accepted in the cafeteria.
The collection process, detailed in a glossy, over-produced YouTube video narrated by a man who sounds suspiciously like the movie trailer guy, involves a rigorous screening process. Potential donors must prove their unvaccinated status through a series of tests, including a lie detector, a 500-question pop quiz, and a game of "Never Have I Ever" featuring questions like, "Never have I ever trusted science."
Once accepted, donors proceed to "The Extraction Room," which is less of a room and more of a throne, surrounded by portraits of famous historical figures who definitely would have been anti-vaxxers if they hadn't died of preventable diseases. The throne, made of recycled NFTs, plays epic orchestral music designed to "enhance virility and market confidence."
"Every part of the process is designed to ensure our product is as pure and as profitable as possible," Masterson explains while adjusting his LED-lit tie. "We treat every sample like a tiny, potential billionaire."
The economics of this new sperm market are volatile yet enticing. Early investors in PureSeed liken it to getting in on Bitcoin in 2010, but with more potential for awkward Thanksgiving dinner conversations. "It's not just sperm—it's an investment in future generations who will thank us, for our foresight," says one enthusiastic backer, who requested anonymity likely because his wife thinks he's at yoga.
Critics argue that treating biological material as a currency could lead to ethical dilemmas, market manipulation, and incredibly bizarre SEC filings. "What's next? Leveraged ETFs on kidney stones?" questions Dr. Hilda Franks, a bioethicist with more degrees than a thermometer.
As Masterson eyes expansion, there are rumors of a celebrity line—"StarSeed"—featuring the unvaccinated progeny potentials of famous actors, musicians, and reality TV stars. "Imagine investing in a future where your child could have the entrepreneurial spirit of a reality star and the musical talent of an indie icon. That's the dream," Masterson winks, as another round of funding rolls in, measured not in dollars, but in future possibilities.
PureSeed Crypto-Gonads may be controversial, but in a world where absurdity is currency, they might just be the next big thing. After all, in the bull market of bodily fluids, it's go big or go home.
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