Welcome to CMI, where we believe your identity is based on your race, your gender, and your sexual orientation which govern who you are and all that you can achieve in life - even what you're allowed to think. Now come and conform and create god in your own image.
Forget the old-time religion with its hymns and pews; there’s a new creed sweeping the nation, promising enlightenment with a side of identity politics. Welcome to the Church of Modern Identity, where your race, gender, and sexual orientation aren’t just part of you—they are you.
"In this church, we’ve gone full Spanish Inquisition, but make it inclusive," declared the church’s self-appointed High Inquisitor, who prefers to remain anonymous but is known for wearing gender-neutral robes. "Forget your soul; it’s your demographics that save or condemn you here."
The new commandments are straightforward: Thou shalt define thy neighbor by their outward appearance, and thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s identity perks. "Remember, if you’re black, you’re inherently disadvantaged; if you’re white, you’re inherently privileged," reads a cheerful pamphlet handed out at Sunday service, which is less about sin and more about skin.
One of the church’s high apostles, Congresswoman Ayanna Presley, known for her spirited sermons, puts it succinctly: "We don't want any brown faces that don't want to be a brown voice." This has led to some confusion among the congregation, particularly for those who thought the church would be a great place to explore new ideas, not just repackage old ones based on hue.
Disagreement with the church's scripture is tantamount to heresy. "Question the dogma, and you’re not just wrong; you’re a racist," explained a church elder, polishing the Scarlet 'R' badges handed out to the unfaithful. "There’s no greater damnation in modern America than being branded with this baby."
In an effort to dodge damnation, many Americans have started bending the knee. "It's easier than figuring out what I actually believe," confessed one member, kneeling at the altar of identity, which is conveniently located next to the confession booth for quick admissions of guilt.
The Church of Modern Identity is growing, with branches opening in every city that boasts more coffee shops than parking spaces. Services include guilt absolution (based on a sliding scale of privilege), identity confirmation baptisms, and group therapy for those struggling with too much or too little oppression.
As for the future of this burgeoning religion? "We plan to expand," said the High Inquisitor, amidst plans for a new crusade against non-believers. "After all, when you mix absolute truth with absolute power, what could possibly go wrong?"
Next week’s sermon will dive deeper into how wearing the wrong Halloween costume can lead to excommunication—or at least a very strongly worded tweet. Bring your own penance.
Comments