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the elephant's Den

PARODY: The Democratic Apology Tour ~ Free Hugs and Therapy for the Offended

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

Updated: Jul 5, 2024

Imagine a world where no one ever has to feel the sting of an offensive comment, the burn of a snide remark, or the devastating impact of a microaggression. That’s right, folks! The Democrats have rolled out their grandest plan yet: the "Apology Tour" – a nationwide initiative to provide free therapy sessions to anyone who has ever felt offended by anything, ever.


The tour kicks off with a bang in San Francisco, a city known for its exceptionally low tolerance for, well, everything. The first stop: a “Safe Space Pavilion” where attendees can vent about the horrors of being accidentally misgendered at Starbucks, or the emotional trauma of someone disagreeing with their gluten-free lifestyle choices."


Our goal is to create a world where nobody ever has to feel uncomfortable or challenged," said tour spokesperson Polly T. Correct. "We want to apologize for everything anyone has ever done, even if it wasn't actually offensive, just in case."


Each therapy session is led by certified "Empathy Coaches" – because regular therapists just don’t get it. These sessions include activities like "Trigger-Free Zones" where participants can pet therapy llamas named after progressive icons and participate in "Hug It Out" circles. For those with more severe cases of offense, there are "Cry-In" stations complete with artisanal, sustainably-sourced tissues.


The highlight of the tour is the "Apology Booth," where anyone can step up and receive a personalized apology for the most mundane grievances. Whether it's the barista who got your name wrong on your latte, or that time someone cut you off in traffic (in 1997), the Apology Booth has got you covered.



Not to be outdone, the tour also features an "Offender Reform School." This is where those who have committed the egregious sin of not being perpetually aware of every possible sensitivity can undergo mandatory sensitivity training. Graduates receive a "Certificate of Wokeness" and a participation ribbon, so they can proudly display their newfound awareness of everything offensive.


Critics of the tour argue that this might be taking things a tad too far. "Isn't this just coddling people?" asked one skeptical observer. "How will anyone learn to deal with real life if they can't even handle a bit of constructive criticism?"


But Polly T. Correct dismisses these concerns with a wave of her hand. "Real life is overrated," she says. "What we need is a world where everyone can exist in a perpetual state of unchallenged bliss, free from the scourge of diverse opinions and minor discomforts."


As the tour makes its way across the country, from Portland to Brooklyn, it promises to leave a trail of meticulously apologized-for grievances and a newly enlightened populace. So, if you've ever felt the sting of an unintentional slight, or the crushing weight of a differing viewpoint, rest assured – the Democratic Apology Tour is coming to a city near you, ready to make amends for all the world's ills, one therapy session at a time.

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