An astonishing turn of events has researchers scratching their heads and sports fans dropping their popcorn because of a recent study which has linked an uptick in testicular injuries due to the recent increase of men playing women's sports. The study begins in 1972 with the passage of Title IX and ends in 2020 with President Biden's signature of an executive order allowing biological men who think they are woman to compete in women's sports. Researchers are calling it "The Great Groin Conundrum". (see Testicular Injury Chart above).
Since the order was signed, these men, now competing as women, have dominated the podiums, scooping up 99% of all women’s sports championships since the order was signed. Rachel Levine, Assistant Secretary of Health, and one of several transgendered staff members of the Biden administration says that “the executive order which President Biden signed has not had a negative impact on women's sports”, she goes on to say, "in fact, it has had a positive effect making women's sports more entertaining and is good for women everywhere".
In what some sports commentators are dubbing the 'trans-takeover', former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson, now called Michelle Tyson, has emerged as the newest champion of women’s boxing. Michelle has set a jaw-dropping record, knocking out competitors in under 30 seconds in her first 50 matches, leaving fans wondering if her gloves are stuffed with more than just padding.
Meanwhile, in basketball, the WNBA has witnessed the rise of Kevina Durant, previously known as NBA superstar Kevin Durant. Kevina has shattered every WNBA scoring record in her first month playing in the WNBA. In her last game, Kevina scored 200 points in just the first half against the New York Liberty. Spectators report that the only thing more deflated than the Liberty’s spirits were the basketballs after Kevina’s powerhouse performance.
Other sports have seen similar trends. In weightlifting, volleyball, and tennis, new records are being set so frequently that statisticians are considering switching to logarithmic scales for more of a challenge; furthermore, economists are reporting a significant surge in jock straps being sold across the nation.
Amidst the athletic upheaval, the scientific community is baffled. The leading theory? Climate change. Yes, a group of enterprising scientists suggest that Climate Change is causing increased levels of carbon dioxide which might be causing this phenomenon to happen — or at least making it harder for anyone to see the scoreboard clearly.
Despite the records and revelations, not everyone is celebrating. Critics argue that the executive order has skewed the playing field, branding it as the most disruptive force in women's sports since the invention of the high-heeled sneaker. Detractors argue it's less of a step forward and more of a pole vault over the nuances of fair play. As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: the world of women's sports will never be the same.
So whether you’re cheering from the stands or jeering from the sidelines, this bizarre twist in athletic achievement is nothing if not entertaining. Remember to wear your jock straps and other protective gear; it's a wild world of sports out there!
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