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PARODY: Snowflake University in Chaos as Professors Confirm Existence of Differing Opinions.

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

In an unprecedented move that has rocked the campus of Snowflake University to its core, the administration has confirmed rumors that have long circulated in the dark corners of the cafeteria: differing opinions not only exist but are allowed. This revelation came during an otherwise ordinary Monday morning lecture in “Intro to Real Life,” causing a record number of students having panic attacks.


Confusion and despair gripped the University as students made a horrifying discovery: the information from their trusted source, Google, did not always align with the mythical beast known as Actual Facts. Witnesses report seeing groups of students huddled around their laptops, their expressions melting from smug confidence to abject horror as they clicked through search results that contradicted their deeply held beliefs.


Students reported a range of symptoms from mild confusion to existential dread upon learning that their unshakable faith in the unquestionable righteousness of their three-week-old socialist ideals could be, in fact, questioned. “I just don’t understand,” stammered sophomore Katie Smith, her ‘Che Guevara’ temporary tattoo wrinkling in distress. “You mean to tell me that other opinions are out there? And people think they’re, like, also right? That’s just, like, their opinion, man.”


The library, usually a sanctuary of whispered conversations and caffeinated study sessions, became a scene of existential despair, with textbooks being consulted for the first time all semester. Meanwhile, a freshman philosophy major was seen consoling his peers, muttering between sobs, “If we can't trust Google, what can we trust?” As the campus reels from this digital betrayal, emergency tech support has been deployed, offering workshops on how to use Boolean operators to find more comforting search results.


Campus counselors are working overtime, offering comfort in the form of hot cocoa and participation trophies. “We just weren’t prepared for this,” admitted Dean Wilcox while knitting an emergency comfort blanket. “I mean, we have crisis plans for fires, earthquakes, even for the cafeteria running out of quinoa, but differing opinions? That was never supposed to happen.”


Professor James Hargrove, the brave soul who dared to introduce this concept, has been placed under protective custody by the university’s safe space marshals. “I only told them that some people think taxes could be lower,” Hargrove explained from an undisclosed broom closet, now his temporary office. “I thought it was a benign fact, but then the crying started, and someone threw an avocado at me.”


The university’s IT department is struggling to censor all opposing thoughts online but admits it’s like “playing whack-a-mole with reality.” In response, student groups have organized a march to end all marches, which will simply be called “The March Because We’re Upset.”


As for the rest of the student body, emergency supplies of bubble wrap and play dough have been air-dropped onto the of the campus. A candlelight vigil is planned for this evening where students will mourn the loss of their echo chamber and face the harsh light of differing perspectives, weather permitting.


The university has pledged to slowly introduce more facts and opposing views, but only diluted and paired with a soothing playlist. For now, the battle for intellectual diversity rages on, one fragile mind at a time.

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