In a stunning turn of existential crisis, the Devil himself is considering filing for unemployment as the ever-inventive wickedness of humanity has rendered his job redundant. "I used to be a trendsetter in the world of vice and sin," Satan lamented during an exclusive interview, his fiery eyes dimmed to embers by worry. "Now, I'm just another freelancer scrambling to find work in a market saturated with amateurs who are disturbingly good at this."
Taking a tour of his once prospective dominion, the devil noted with a mix of pride and annoyance that the modern world had already made substantial progress on his agenda. Indeed, the devil's master plan to engulf the world in darkness appears redundant, as humans seem to have already ticked most boxes on his to-do list with no supernatural help needed. "I'd planned to whisper 'Do as you please' to lead them astray," Satan reportedly grumbled, adjusting his impeccably tailored suit and frowning at his outdated playbook. "But it turns out, they've been doing that without any prodding from me. It's quite unsettling—what's a devil to do when his job's been outsourced to celebrities?"
In a desperate bid to regain relevance, Satan attempted to introduce chaos in other, less corrupted areas: "I thought about making kale taste good to confuse the health-conscious, but apparently, they're already pretending it does." His old tactics of promoting endless wars, media hysteria, and moral decay are being done without my help. "I even tried to make Easter about eggs and Christmas about a fat guy, but it seems Hallmark beat me to it," he sighed, sipping a disappointingly non-flammable latte.
With humanity excelling in areas traditionally reserved for the underworld, such as political corruption, corporate greed, and environmental devastation, the Prince of Darkness is openly pondering a career pivot. "I'm thinking of starting a blog, or maybe a YouTube channel. 'Cooking with Lucifer', where every dish is devilishly spicy. Needs work, but you get the gist," he mused, trying to stay optimistic.
Satan's advisers have even suggested other rebranding opportunities, ranging from lifestyle coaching for the morally ambiguous to opening a chain of 'Sinful Pleasures' themed amusement parks—each ride an allegory for a different vice. "Imagine a greed-themed roller coaster that just goes up and never comes down. Wait, that’s just the stock market," he chuckled, scribbling notes.
Feeling the economic pinch, the once-feared overlord of evil is also dabbling in freelance gig economy jobs. "I drove for Uber last week," he disclosed, slightly embarrassed. "Got a three-star review because I made the car too hot. Old habits."
Reflecting on his uncertain future, Satan admits the biggest blow to his pride isn't the job insecurity itself but the realization that his presence might no longer be necessary for the world to descend into chaos. "I thought about applying to a few corporate gigs—maybe as a consultant. I hear they really value cutthroat tactics and soul-crushing strategies," he mused, wistfully twirling his tail.
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