PARODY: New Study Finds Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) Responsible for 43% Drop in National IQ.

In a groundbreaking study released this week by the prestigious Institute of Partisan Psychodynamics (IPP), scientists have confirmed what long has been whispered in the hallowed halls of Twitter and cable news green rooms: Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) is not only real, but it's also shaving points off the national IQ at an alarming rate.

Dr. Ivana Tweetmore, the lead researcher on the study, explained, “We started noticing a sharp decline in logical reasoning and critical thinking skills that correlated strongly with increases in social media consumption and unsolicited political rants. Initially, we thought it was just a full moon thing, but further analysis revealed a direct link to TDS.”

The report highlights that symptoms of TDS include believing that orange is "unquestionably the worst color," an unexplained allergy to red hats, and a reflexive tendency to blame Donald Trump for everything from climate change to why your latte was too hot this morning. In severe cases, individuals may experience what the IPP team refers to as "catastrophic cognitive combustion," creating severe loss of logic and common sense.

Researchers have noted peculiar behavioral changes in those afflicted. "One subject, a 29-year-old from Brooklyn, has converted his entire apartment into a shrine dedicated to ‘Not My President’ memorabilia. He chants impeachment mantras every morning. It’s quite concerning, really," Dr. Tweetmore reported.

To test whether TDS was impacting cognitive function, the IPP team presented subjects with simple problems, like calculating a 15% tip or identifying the current president from a multiple-choice list. Subjects with acute TDS symptoms often responded with answers like “Why give a tip when democracy is dying?” or mistakenly identifying the president as Vladimir Putin.

Economists at the IPP estimate that this sharp decline in national brainpower could cost the economy billions, as workers across the country are too distracted by impeachment news to remember their computer passwords or operate heavy machinery safely.

The study concludes with some chilling advice: the only known cure for TDS is a total break from social media, or possibly a hobby. Dr. Tweetmore suggests knitting might help, "As long as they don’t start knitting protest hats again. "In response to these findings, health officials have suggested mandatory cooling off periods for Twitter usage and recommend avoiding all caps in online political discussions as preventive measures. As America grapples with this epidemic, one thing remains clear: TDS might just be the nation's most costly mental malfunction yet.