DALLAS, TX—In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking solution to the ever-complicated issue of identity, the Texas Medical Institute of Technology (TMIT) announced this week the development of a revolutionary common sense procedure called "Cerebral Re-Alignment Therapy" (CRT). This innovative technique promises to realign a person’s thoughts to match their physical attributes, eliminating the need for any physical alterations altogether.
Dr. Freeman, lead researcher at TMIT, shared his insights into the breakthrough. "After years of seeing people struggle with their identity due to societal labels, we asked ourselves: why go through extensive, invasive surgeries when you can simply adjust the problem at its source — the brain?"
CRT utilizes a combination of biology text books and common sense affirmations like "body parts don't lie and "just chill out"' This procedure aims to reconcile internal perceptions with external realities, ensuring one’s self-image is in complete harmony with their genetic makeup.
Critics of the procedure have labeled it "ridiculously simplistic" and "a scientific facepalm," with one psychologist stating, "You can’t solve nuanced human experiences with common sense." However, supporters argue that it's "just as logical" as redefining age-old biological definitions and a whole lot safer than removing your family jewels.
One patient, who preferred to remain anonymous, raved about the results. "It's fantastic! I used to wake up feeling like a woman trapped in a man's body, but now, after CRT, I’m just an ordinary tax attorney again. "
To further enhance the appeal of CRT, Dr. Freeman introduced an additional component to the therapy known as the "Time Capsule" approach. "It's simple, really," Dr. Freeman explained. "Most of the identity confusion in younger individuals tends to resolve naturally over time. So, we've decided to integrate a 'wait-and-see' module into our CRT program. It combines patience with periodic affirmations and education sessions, guiding patients through their development without immediate recourse to drastic physical changes."
The "Time Capsule" module, a blend of waiting room magazines and motivational posters saying things like "Chromosomes Matter" literally involves teaching patients the lost art of chilling out. "We give them a comfy chair, some old-school National Geographic magazines, and time," Dr. Freeman explained. "If they're still confused about who they are by the time they hit the back cover, we let them start the magazine over."
Parents and teachers are all over this less invasive approach like pigeons on a hot dog. "Many teenagers naturally outgrow their angst faster than a pair of sneakers," added Dr. Freeman. "Our 'sit tight and watch' strategy helps them do just that without turning their bodies into origami."
As more folks opt for a mental adjustment over physical ones, it’s clear that in the world of identity crises, sometimes the best action is no action. Who knew that the best medical tool in our arsenal was a calendar and some good vibes?
Whether this marks a paradigm shift in managing identity dysphoria or just a hilarious footnote in medical history, time, as they say, will tell. But for now, Dr. Freeman recommends, "When in doubt, just wait it out!"
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