In a groundbreaking move that could only come from the depths of bureaucratic brainstorming, the U.S. government has passed a new law mandating that all public statues be constructed from soft cushy materials.
This revolutionary regulation, hailed as "The Safe Historical Representation Act," aims to cushion citizens from the hard edges of history.
The bill was introduced by Hardy Nomor, who argued that hard materials like bronze and stone were too aggressive for contemporary sensibilities. "In these trying times," Nomor stated, "our public monuments should not stand as unyielding relics of the past but as comforting, squeezable beacons of gentleness and compliance."
Critics of the new law, however, are not feeling so buoyant. Historian Dr. Rocky Gibraltar lamented, "What's next? Are we going to replace the Constitution with a pillow? This nation was built on concrete realities, not polyurethane foam!"
The first statue to undergo the soft transformation is the once imposing figure of Theodore Roosevelt, which will now be a squishy, huggable icon children can play on without fear of scraped knees. "It's like Teddy Bear Roosevelt," quipped one supporter.
Adding to the soft statue protocol, any historical figure with a controversial background will be manufactured with an additional layer of foam, ensuring that they are literally and figuratively softer and less impactful. According to one lawmaker, "If history is hard to digest, we better make it soft to the touch."
The foam statue initiative will also include a new interactive feature: each statue will come equipped with a voice box that, when squeezed, plays apologetic statements or soothing sounds. George Washington's statue, for example, will hum calming lullabies to pacify any revolutionary sentiments.
As foam statues begin to populate city parks and squares, the nation waits with bated breath (and soft pillows) to see how this cushy new approach to history will shape—or soften—the American narrative.
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