Sacramento, CA—In a groundbreaking move that has left carnivores choking on their steaks and vegans doing cartwheels, California legislators have passed a new law requiring all burgers served in the state to be 100% plant-based by 2025. And that's not all; in a twist of gastronomic innovation, the law also mandates that all burger accessories—from utensils to napkins—must be edible and made entirely from plant-based materials.
Dubbed the "Burger Greenification Act," the legislation aims to reduce carbon emissions, combat climate change, and foster a healthier populace by weaning Californians off their addiction to beef and onto the tantalizing delights of soy patties and quinoa buns.
"California has always been at the forefront of progress, whether it's in technology, entertainment, or now, burger consumption," exclaimed Governor Newsom, as he ceremoniously signed the bill into law, surrounded by a buffet of kale chips and tofu sliders. "With the Burger Greenification Act, we're not just saving the planet; we're revolutionizing the way people think about food!"
The law has sent shockwaves through the fast-food industry, with burger giants scrambling to reinvent their menus to comply with California's culinary commandments. In a bold move, McDonald's has announced the launch of their latest sensation: the McTofu.
"We're lovin' it, and so will you!" declared Ronnie McDee, the company's newly appointed mascot, as he unveiled the McTofu to a crowd of bewildered onlookers. The burger substitute promises all the flavor and satisfaction of a traditional McDonald's meal, minus the guilt of contributing to cow-related emissions.
But the innovation doesn't stop at the patty; in accordance with the new law, McDonald's has also rolled out edible packaging for its entire menu. Customers can now munch on their Big Mac boxes and gobble up their fries containers without ever having to worry about waste or indigestion. "It's a win-win for everyone," beamed the CEO, as he handed out samples of McFries wrapped in crispy potato-skin packaging. "Now you can have your burger and eat the wrapper, too!"
Not to be outdone, other fast-food chains have jumped on the plant-based bandwagon, with Burger King introducing the Impossible Whopper Jr.—a pint-sized patty made from genetically modified soybeans that taste surprisingly like beef, if you close your eyes and use your imagination.
Meanwhile, environmentalists are hailing the law as a monumental victory for the planet, with some even suggesting that California should change its official state motto from "Eureka" to "Lettuce eat plants!"
However, not everyone is thrilled about the prospect of a meatless future. Carnivorous protesters have taken to the streets, waving signs that read "Give Peas a Chance" and "Lettuce Alone!" "We demand our right to bear burgers!" shouted one protester, brandishing a charred steak like a torch. "If they outlaw beef, only outlaws will have beef!"
But Governor Newsom remains undeterred, insisting that California's plant-based revolution is unstoppable. "Change is never easy, especially when it involves your favorite comfort foods," he admitted, as he bit into a juicy watermelon steak. "But trust me, once you go green, you'll never go back!"
As the sun sets over the Golden State, Californians brace themselves for a brave new world of burgers—where the patties are made from plants, the packaging is made from produce, and the only thing getting grilled is the lettuce. Welcome to the future of fast food, where even the condiments are compostable, and every meal comes with a side of sustainability. Bon appétit!
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