In what could only be described as a cultural cataclysm, the new hit single by singer and rapper Rapper Tom MacDonald "Snowflakes" has stormed the airwaves, leaving millennials and Gen Z-ers nationwide clutching their artisanal coffee cups in horror.
The song, which bravely battles the forces of political correctness, has sparked panic across the United States, challenging everything from gun control to the moral high ground of caffeine-addicted smartphone users.
Listeners were devastated to learn that someone could possess opinions that didn’t align perfectly with their curated Instagram feeds. "I was listening to this song while sipping my $6 latte," said one distressed 24-year-old, Kayden. "And suddenly, I realized — my barista might be conservative! I mean, he did recommend the pumpkin spice, and we all know that’s a gateway to traditional values."
As the song played on, revealing truths harsher than the aftertaste of a non-organic avocado, social media erupted into chaos. Tweets flew like digital arrows across a battlefield of broken emojis and GIFs of crying celebrities. "It’s just so problematic," tweeted @WokeVeganPrincess, "This song should come with a trigger warning that says 'caution: contains different opinions."
Universities nationwide have reported a shortage of safe spaces as students flood in, seeking refuge from the song’s catchy yet controversial lyrics. Campus officials have been forced to convert everything from unused broom closets to luxury dorm rooms into emergency emotional shelters. "We even had to cancel our workshop on the dangers of aggressive shampoo advertisements to make room," said one frazzled Dean.
Meanwhile, tech giants are scrambling to update their algorithms to ensure that any song containing potentially unsettling opinions is automatically replaced with soothing nature sounds. "We believe that our users should only hear what they agree with," said a tech CEO while adjusting his VR headset. "Diversity of thought is great, as long as it doesn’t actually diversify thought."
The artist behind "Snowflakes" has not been deterred by the backlash, though. In a recent tweet that somehow managed to evade the censors, he said, "Stick around, the forecast predicts more snowflakes, but remember — they all melt when it gets hot." This has led to a frenzy of meteorologists rushing to reassure the public that, no, the weather forecast remains unchanged, and yes, snow still behaves as it traditionally does.
In related news, sales of propane and gasoline have soared as some fans take the lyrics a bit too literally. "We thought it was a metaphor," sighed a local fire marshal, "But apparently, not everyone did." As the nation braces for more, the only thing certain is that the cultural forecast remains hilariously unpredictable.
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