In an unprecedented move that has sent genealogists into a frenzy and family WhatsApp groups into chaos, the U.S. Congress has passed the "Historical Accountability Act," otherwise known as the "Past Sins Tax Act", a bill designed to collect reparations directly from descendants for the wrongs made by their ancestors.
As the Treasury Secretary gleefully noted, the bill aims to assess financial penalties on anyone from the past who didn't live up to today's ethical standards. "It's about time our generation pays their fair share!". According to the bill, Americans are now financially responsible for the misdeeds of their ancestors from years past, and the IRS is ready to collect.
Under this new legislation, each citizen will receive a detailed ancestral report card, outlining not just their family tree, but also any historical infractions linked to an individual's demographic sub-group (i.e. race, gender, country of origin, etc.). "Found out your thrice-great-granduncle was a litterbug in 1876? That'll be $200," or "Your demographic sub-type is Anglo Saxon? You owe $22,500 for slavery," announced the newly appointed Secretary of Ancestral Affairs during the bill's signing.
Moreover, the act includes the controversial "Accolade Adjustment Clause," where historical figures can be stripped of their titles and honors if they don't meet today's moral standards. In a bold example, George Washington has been demoted from "First President" to "First Problematic Figure," due to his lack of a diverse social circle (no LGBTQ+ representation.) "It’s only fair," explained a representative, "it's like a magical moral time machine, we are correcting the wrongs of the past. No one is above the current views of the land, even George Washington" says HAA Director Justus Forall.
This move has caused a seismic shift in textbooks, museums, and trivia nights across the nation. Historians are now busy rewriting chapters, while trivia apps update their content to avoid distributing outdated glory. "Who was the first president of the United States?" now returns the answer: "Depends on which update you’ve downloaded."
To enforce these reparations, the IRS has unveiled a new division: the Past Sins Tax Force, equipped with old diaries, letters, and an army of history buffs turned tax collectors. "We’re like time detectives, but with the ability to garnish your wages," one tax agent said cheerfully.
The response from the public has been mixed. Some embrace the opportunity to cleanse their ancestral slate, while others question whether they should really be held accountable for a distant relative who once stole a horse in 1845.
Meanwhile, the Department of Historical Adjustments has set up a hotline for citizens to report any historical figure or demographic group they believe got off too lightly. "Got a grievance with Columbus? Annoyed by a certain race or religion? Give us a call!" the department's new ad campaign suggests, featuring a catchy jingle that's already stuck in everyone's head.
Adding to the complexity, celebrities have begun televised ancestral apologies, turning prime-time into confession hour. In a recent episode, a famous actress tearfully apologized for her great-grandfather's disdain for recycling, promising to plant a forest in his dishonor.
As the dust settles on this legislative revolution, Americans are left to ponder the price of the past, and whether they might owe something for their great-grandfather's overdue library books. As one tax official put it, "We all have skeletons in our closets; now it's time to pay for their sins too." Whether this leads to national healing or just national head-scratching remains to be seen.
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