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the elephant's Den

PARODY: Nathan Wade's Resignation Roulette

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant


Nathan Wade, Esq.                                                                                              

Lead Prosecutor (former)

Fulton County Courthouse

136 Pryor St SW, Atlanta, GA 30303.


3/15/2024


Dear District Attorney Fani Willis, 


I, Nathan Wade, hereby fling my resignation into the ring, bowing out from what can only be described as the most jaw-dropping, popcorn-worthy legal drama not yet picked up by any streaming service.


Let’s cut through the courtroom chatter and get to the heart of the matter. My sudden leap to legal stardom was less about my knack for navigating the legal labyrinth and more about my extracurricular flair. Indeed, the scales of justice didn't tip because of hard evidence but rather due to the sheer force of... let’s say, non-judicial talents.


It’s time to shine a spotlight on the true puppet master behind my swift ascent and equally rapid descent: the unparalleled Fani Willis. Oh, Fani, your zeal for justice was rivaled only by your fondness for, shall we delicately say, more spirited endeavors. To you, I wasn't so much a legal eagle as I was a very different beast, perhaps best described as a "Dixie Casanova," your "Courtroom Consort," or, in less flattering moments, a simple "hunk of litigation."


Addressing the mammoth in the chambers: my paycheck. The sum has tongues wagging and eyebrows hitting hairlines—an amount that some would deem unholy. But if we pull back the grandiose drapes of this legal theater, we unveil a tale of compensation not for my courtroom acumen but for playing a starring role in a saga with you, Miss Willis. Yes, a substantial part of my earnings came from attending lavish galas and sampling the crème de la crème of culinary delights. Yet, the unseen part of this tale involved navigating a partnership less concerned with legal briefs and more with highly detailed, personal briefings. And trust me, each cent was a testament to my... dedication, with the emotional ledger bleeding red far beyond the deposits in my bank account.


But let us not cast stones in glass courtrooms. I was complicit in this dance of deceit as well, waltzing through the hallowed halls of justice with the grace of a giraffe on roller skates. I, too, traded my integrity at the altar of ambition, donning the robe of lead prosecutor like a child in his father's oversized suit. 


Our alliance was a twisted tangle of fabrications, desire, and ambition, the shaky foundation of our house of cards, which inevitably tumbled down, dragging my marriage, reputation, and career into the comedic abyss. In this dizzying whirlwind of wealth, notoriety, and authority, I emerged not as the hero but the marionette, jerked around by the strings of desire and vanity.

Yet, here I am, not seeking your sympathy but offering a final bow of remorse. Wasn’t it all just a grand spectacle? A tragic farce unfolding on life’s vast stage, with the lines between hero and villain as muddled as the plot of a daytime soap.


To the taxpayers of Georgia, think of your investment not as wasted but as the funding of the most riveting legal drama that never quite made it to trial. And to Fani, a tip of the hat and a quiet nod to let you know that when passion meets the gavel, I played my role to the hilt. Orthodox? Hardly. But when has the road to ambition—or justice, for that matter—ever been a straight shot?


Thus, as I draft this farewell, I leave you pondering: in the grand court of existence, we're all merely actors, delivering our lines for an audience of peers. Some may cast judgment, others may forgive, but ultimately, we answer to the supreme tribunal of our own moral compass.


With this, I lay down my legal briefs and my lover's tokens, stepping away from the bar of justice and the bed of contention, carrying with me the lessons learned and the scars earned.


Nathan Wade, Esq.

Ex-Lawyer Extraordinaire, Perpetual Scapegoat






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