Tt was discovered this week that the iconic "Coexist" symbol only includes two genders. The discovery has unleashed a wave of panic, with left-wing communities scrambling to process the emotional fallout.
Social media platforms erupted overnight as the realization took hold, with hashtags like #CoexistConspiracy and #BinaryBombshell trending across the Twittersphere. At the forefront of this cultural earthquake is a legion of progressive influencers, many of whom were seen frantically updating their bios to emphasize their support for all 673 genders.
"I can’t believe I’ve been flaunting a symbol that limits gender expression!" sobbed one activist, whose neon-dyed hair was adorned with a flower crown. "It’s like finding out that my avocado toast is non-organic!"
Reports indicate that counseling hotlines have been inundated with calls from distraught individuals who had previously embraced the symbol as an emblem of tolerance. To soothe these frazzled nerves, Congress swiftly approved emergency funding to provide federally sponsored therapy sessions. The program, titled "Operation Identity Crisis," will employ an army of therapists specializing in trauma induced by antiquated symbology.
In Portland, Seattle, and Austin, throngs of protesters have taken to the streets waving homemade signs reading, "Two Genders, Two Heartaches!" and "Binary Erasure Is Violence!" A group of performance artists staged an interpretive dance symbolizing the "suffocating constriction" of binary thinking. The dance concluded with a raucous chant: "My pronouns are revolutionary!"
Meanwhile, Coexist bumper sticker manufacturers are scrambling to revamp their products, adding infinity symbols and non-Euclidean shapes to accommodate infinite gender identities. "We’re also introducing a line of personalized stickers, so everyone can have their own unique 'Coexist' symbol," explained one factory rep. "We just need a 50-word description of their identity to customize it."
In a final twist of irony, a leaked government memo suggests that federal agencies may replace the "Coexist" symbol with a more inclusive emblem: a QR code linking to a meticulously curated spreadsheet cataloging every gender known to humanity.
I
n the end, the universal symbol of peace and unity may yet rise like a phoenix—armed with a proper disclaimer and a "click here for updates" feature. Until then, America's progressives will continue to grapple with the existential shock that even the noblest of ideals might need a bit of rebranding.
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