What happens when you give Kamala Harris the keys to the White House for 85 minutes? Absolute hilarity, that's what. While President Joe Biden was counting sheep under anesthesia for his routine colonoscopy, Harris took the opportunity to make her brief presidency one for the history books—or perhaps a comedy sketch.
First on her agenda was a full-scale redecoration of the Oval Office. Harris, with an eye for flair and a penchant for quick decisions, summoned the White House interior decorator with the urgency of a national emergency. "The Resolute Desk is too resolute," she mused, replacing it with a bean bag chair and a standing desk outfitted with a treadmill. Who needs war rooms when you can have workout rooms?
Walls that once bore the solemn faces of past presidents now featured an eclectic mix of pop culture icons. George Washington was swapped out for Beyoncé, while Abraham Lincoln made way for a framed photo of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Harris defended her choices, stating, "It's high time we recognize true American heroes."
Determined to leave a mark on policy as well, Harris made a series of lightning-fast executive orders. National Bird Day was moved to every third Thursday, featuring the flamingo as the new symbol of American freedom. “It’s pink, it’s flamboyant, and it stands on one leg—perfectly balanced, just like our budget,” she explained to a bewildered press corps.
Next, the vice-president launched an initiative to replace the Secret Service’s traditional black suits with something more “fashion-forward.” Her directive resulted in a sudden influx of agents sporting Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops, providing a relaxed yet alert vibe that was both unnerving and amusing.
Harris then turned her attention to the media, holding a press conference in which she replaced the usual serious tone with a stand-up comedy routine. “Did you hear the one about the Vice-President who became President for a day? Neither did I, but let’s make it funny!” she quipped, leaving journalists scratching their heads and the nation chuckling.
In a move that truly underscored the absurdity of her brief rule, Harris declared an impromptu nationwide karaoke contest to select the next Secretary of State. "Diplomacy is about hitting the right notes," she said, before belting out a surprisingly good rendition of “I Will Survive.” The contest winner, a middle-aged man from Iowa who nailed every word of “Don’t Stop Believin’,” was sworn in via Zoom.
Her final act of lunacy was perhaps the most ambitious: renaming Air Force One to “The Flying Unicorn.” She reasoned, “If we’re going to soar, let’s do it with some magic!” Maintenance crews quickly scrambled to affix a giant, glittering horn to the nose of the plane, a spectacle that briefly trended on social media under #UnicornForceOne.
All too soon, Biden emerged from his procedure, groggy but otherwise unscathed. He returned to an Oval Office that now looked like the set of a teenage dream sequence, complete with a disco ball. The president blinked, took in the scene, and simply asked, “Kamala, what have you done?”
Harris, with a mischievous grin and a shrug, handed him a flamingo-themed tie and said, “Just sprucing things up a bit, Joe.” And with that, she resumed her role as Vice-President, leaving behind 85 minutes of pure, unadulterated comedic chaos.
The country may never fully recover from Kamala’s brief, whimsical reign, but one thing is certain: those 85 minutes were the most entertaining in presidential history.
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