In a bold pivot from politics to entrepreneurship, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has announced her latest venture: "Hillary's Suicide Hotline," a unique service where callers can discreetly arrange for their problems to "disappear" in what might look like self-inflicted departures.
The innovative business model comes after Clinton's introspective period following her 2016 election loss. "After some deep soul searching—and the mysterious disappearance of several personal frustrations—I realized I had a knack for problem-solving," Clinton stated at the ribbon-cutting ceremony, held at an undisclosed but extremely secure location. The hotline, which operates out of a bunker beneath Chappaqua, offers a range of services from basic 'accidental overdoses' to more elaborate 'vanished without a trace' packages.
Early advertising materials promise "discreet handling by professionals who really know how to close a case."Clinton, drawing on her vast network, hinted at the elite caliber of her staff. "Let’s just say, they’re the kind who can handle emails and much, much more," she winked. "Our team is so good, even I don’t know who they are."
When asked about the ethical implications of her new business, Clinton laughed off the concerns. "It's all very above board, depending on which board you're looking at and from how far away."
Conspiracy theorists have had a field day with the announcement, with one prominent figure claiming, "This is the most transparent she’s ever been, and I’m all in for it!" To which Clinton replied, "See, it's bringing people together already."
In a promotional blitz, the service has been endorsed by shadowy figures in dark corners of parking garages everywhere. One satisfied customer, his voice disguised as he spoke from the shadows, shared, "It’s really the perfect solution when you’ve run out of options and people you can trust."
The hotline also offers a loyalty program, whimsically titled "Frequent Flyer Miles to Nowhere," where points earned can make your next problem go away even faster. "It’s like airline miles, only you’re not going anywhere, and neither is your problem," explained a spokesperson, who preferred to remain anonymous.
In an effort to expand her client base, Clinton is reportedly considering a merger with a major tech company for an app that brings hit jobs into the gig economy. The app, tentatively named "Killer Jobs," is expected to disrupt the industry by allowing users to swipe right on potential problem solvers.
As for the future, Hillary remains optimistic. "In America, anyone can be anything. Today, I'm proof that you can even be the solution to problems you didn’t know you had," she stated, adjusting her sunglasses as she stepped into a tinted, bulletproof SUV. The hotline is now open, operators are standing by, and they assure you—they won't stand by for long.
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