The heat on Joe Biden has reached levels usually reserved for habanero peppers and bad disco nights. In a surprising twist, our Commander-in-Chief has declared that only divine intervention can now extricate him from the presidential race. Yes, folks, Biden has officially put in a call to the Big Guy Upstairs, and this is shaping up to be one heavenly interesting week.
Picture it: Joe Biden, rosary in hand, staring skyward and shouting, "Lord, give me a sign!" The President’s team is reportedly working on a White House helipad suitable for divine landings, just in case God decides to drop by and give Joe a much-needed break from the campaign trail.
Sources close to the Oval Office claim that Biden has been prepping for divine intervention for weeks. He’s been spotted binge-watching "Touched by an Angel" and "Highway to Heaven" for inspiration. Jill Biden was overheard saying, "If we can't get a miracle, at least we’ll get some good TV time."
Meanwhile, the Vice President has been busy trying to brush up on her own heavenly connections, just in case a divine understudy is needed. Kamala Harris was last seen trying to summon the spirits of past vice presidents with a Ouija board, much to the chagrin of her staff. “If I can’t talk to Lincoln, I’ll settle for Dan Quayle,” she reportedly said.
Political pundits are having a field day with Biden's divine declaration. Fox News is running with the headline: "Biden Hopes for a Holy Bailout – Will God Answer the Call?" Over at MSNBC, Rachel Maddow has organized a special prayer circle, complete with candles and a choir, to see if they can expedite the heavenly response.
Of course, the internet has exploded with memes and hashtags. #GodSaveJoe is trending, along with photoshopped images of Biden waving goodbye to a confused Congress below. Late-night hosts are battling to see who can come up with the most divine punchline, with Jimmy Kimmel leading the charge: "God called. He’s busy. Said something about parting the Red Sea."
Meanwhile, atheists everywhere are scratching their heads and wondering if they missed something in the fine print of reality. Richard Dawkins was seen tweeting, "Did I just see Biden make a prayer hotline to God? 2024, you continue to amaze."
As the nation holds its breath to see if a divine intervention will indeed materialize, Biden is reportedly unfazed. “If it’s not this week, maybe next,” he shrugged, reaching for his aviators. "God’s on His own timetable, you know."
And so, as we await this potential holy Hail Mary, we can only sit back and enjoy the absurdity of it all. Whether or not divine help arrives, one thing’s for sure: this is one race that’s taken a truly heavenly turn.
Disclaimer: While I may not agree with everything Joe Biden says or does, and while I certainly hope he loses his re-election bid, I want to make it crystal clear that I do not wish any physical harm to him or his family. This article is purely for comedic purposes, and any references to divine intervention are meant to be taken with a generous helping of humor. No presidents, vice presidents, or divine beings were harmed in the making of this satire. May Joe Biden enjoy good health, lively debates, and plenty of ice cream – just not another term in office!
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