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PARODY: Golden State Exodus: Gavin Newsom, U-Haul's Honorary Sales Person of the Year

The exodus from California has reached biblical proportions. Once the land of golden dreams, where everyone aspired to rub elbows with Hollywood stars while sipping overpriced lattes, California is now seeing its residents pack up their Teslas and Priuses faster than you can say "real estate bubble." But why are these Californians trading in their surfboards for cowboy hats and alligator wrestling gear? Let’s dive into the hilariously absurd reasons behind this mass migration.


First off, let’s talk taxes. California's tax system is so convoluted that even the IRS gets migraines just thinking about it. With taxes higher than Willie Nelson on a good day, residents are feeling the pinch. Imagine getting taxed on the air you breathe, the sun you soak in, and the avocado toast you devour. It’s a wonder the state hasn’t started charging a “dream tax” for merely aspiring to a better life.


Then there’s the cost of living. California’s housing market makes Manhattan look like a thrift store. Want to buy a house in California? Sure, just sell your soul to the devil, pawn off your firstborn, and maybe you can afford a 300 square foot studio with a shared bathroom down the hall. In Texas, for the price of a California closet, you can get a mansion, a ranch, and a lifetime supply of BBQ ribs. It's no wonder Californians are leaving their shoebox apartments behind for some good old Southern hospitality.


Speaking of housing, let’s not forget the homelessness crisis. California's tent cities are so vast, they’re starting to look like a new theme park: "Homeless And USA." Rides include the “Cardboard Castle Coaster” and the “Tent Town Tilt-a-Whirl.” The lines for these attractions are endless, and the price of admission is your dignity and sanity.


And oh, the schools! California’s educational rankings are so low they’re using negative numbers for their school ranking system. Kids in California are learning their ABCs from street graffiti and history from TikTok. It’s gotten so bad that parents are homeschooling their children using episodes of "Jeopardy!" and "Wheel of Fortune."


Amidst this chaos, rumors are swirling about Governor Gavin Newsom as a potential presidential candidate. Yes, you read that right. The man who’s overseen California’s transformation from a utopian paradise into a dystopian reality show might just be eyeing the White House. Picture it: Newsom for President, with campaign promises like “Free WiFi for all tent cities!” and “Mandatory avocado toast in school lunches!”


But here's the kicker—the irony of ironies. U-Haul, the moving company, has named Gavin Newsom their Honorary Employee of the Year. Yes, you heard that correctly. Thanks to Newsom's policies driving people out of California in droves, U-Haul has experienced record-breaking sales. Never before in the history of the company have profits soared so high. According to the U-Haul CEO, this would not have been possible without Governor Newsom.


So why are Californians moving to places like Florida and Texas? Because even alligators and hurricanes are more predictable than California’s policies. Floridians welcome their new neighbors with open arms, provided they don’t try to bring any of their “progressive” ideas with them. Texans, meanwhile, are just excited to see someone with worse driving skills than their own.


In the end, the great California exodus is a testament to the state's commitment to being a trendsetter. They’ve set a new trend in mass migration, and now other states are reaping the benefits. So here’s to you, California, for turning your state into the punchline of America’s latest joke. Keep it up; the rest of us are having a blast watching from the sidelines.

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