Sacremento, Ca. In a stunning yet inevitable development, U-Haul has named California Governor Gavin Newsom its 2023 Employee of the Year. The award, typically reserved for actual employees, recognizes Newsom’s "unwavering dedication" to driving Californians to move out of state at unprecedented rates, thus boosting U-Haul’s business to historic highs.
"Governor Newsom didn’t just meet our annual targets," said U-Haul CEO Sammy Rollback. "He smashed them like a piñata at a tax collector's retirement party. Frankly, he’s done more for our bottom line than our entire sales team combined!"
The move comes after a year marked by spiraling living costs, boutique taxes, and creative crime waves that left many Californians saying, “Maybe Iowa’s not so bad after all.” As a result, U-Haul rentals soared, with the company struggling to keep up with the exodus. "At this point, if you're still in California, it's probably because you’re waiting for a U-Haul," joked Rollback during the announcement.
Accompanying the honor, U-Haul unveiled the newest addition to their fleet: The Newsom Van. This special edition moving truck features a life-size image of the governor waving goodbye with one hand and holding tax codes in the other, designed to accelerate the loading process by reminding Californians exactly why they’re leaving.
Political analysts are baffled by the recognition, with one noting, "It’s the first time in history a governor has done more for moving companies than for real estate agents." Meanwhile, environmental groups praised Newsom’s indirect approach to reducing California’s carbon footprint by drastically lowering the population density.
The Governor’s office issued a response, stating, “Governor Newsom is honored to receive this recognition and promises to continue his efforts. He’s already drafting new initiatives for even higher taxes and more creative regulations, which should ensure U-Haul’s growth for years to come.”
U-Haul’s competitors have not taken the news lying down. Budget Trucks is reportedly considering a counter-strategy involving Oregon Governor Kate Brown, while Penske is eyeing Illinois as their next gold mine. As part of the celebration, U-Haul plans to offer a new discount code, GAVOUT, which provides fleeing Californians 10% off their next rental for acknowledging the governor during booking. They're also introducing an express checkout option for anyone moving to Texas or Florida, aptly named the “Newsom Fast Lane.”
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