Congressman Matt Gaetz and Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene have introduced a groundbreaking new bill aimed at ensuring government transparency, or at the very least, giving Americans something new to tweet about. The 'Track Thy Congressman' bill promises to switch the focus from monitoring ordinary American citizens to tracking the movements and spending habits of Congress members.
Under the new legislation, all members of Congress will be fitted with live GPS trackers, which constituents can follow through a new app charmingly titled, "Where's My Rep?" Whether they’re schmoozing in smoke-filled rooms or sneaking out at midnight, the American public will have real-time updates."
The American people deserve to know if their representatives are in a committee meeting or just hiding in the Capitol bathroom playing Candy Crush," stated Gaetz at a press conference, in Washington D.C.. Beside him, Greene nodded vigorously, adding, "It’s time the hunter becomes the hunted. Let’s see how they like it!" The app will not only track location but also provide expenditure reports.
Every taxpayer dollar spent will be meticulously recorded, from those controversial thousand-dollar pens to spontaneous splurges on a night on the town. Gaetz and Greene showcased the app's prototype, which accidentally revealed her own recent purchase: a book titled "How to Microwave Metal Safely."
Critics of the bill have voiced concerns about privacy and the potential for misuse, but Gaetz dismissed these worries, asserting, "If you've done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to hide—except maybe your browser history after midnight."
In response to how the bill will handle meetings with lobbyists and other behind-closed-doors negotiations, Greene explained that the app would feature a 'Lobbyist Alert' button. "Whenever a lobbyist enters a five-meter radius of a Congress member, the app will blast the Jaws theme tune to warn us all," she stated. The bill has stirred up a storm on social media, with Americans from both sides of the aisle eagerly downloading the app."
Finally, a bipartisan issue we can all get behind: stalking Congress through our smartphones," tweeted one user. The rollout of the 'Track Thy Congressman' initiative will begin next month, barring any filibusters, government shutdowns, or sudden app crashes when representatives pass by known UFO hotspots—an amendment Greene insisted on.
As for Congress's reaction, many members were last seen updating their privacy settings and investing in better curtains. Meanwhile, C-SPAN is reportedly considering a new reality show offer, "Keeping Up with the Congressmembers," promising that politics is about to get a lot more personal.
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