President Joe Biden, in his latest move to elevate the nation’s posterior prominence, announced an audacious and cheeky new initiative: the installation of bidet toilets across the United States. Dubbed the "Flush Black Better" program, this project promises to revolutionize the American bathroom experience, one tush at a time.
Standing at a gleaming podium (appropriately adorned with toilet paper streamers), Biden explained his grand vision. “Folks, it’s time we bring America up to speed with the rest of the civilized world. We can’t be left behind… or leave our behinds neglected any longer!”
Critics are flush with opinions. Some argue this is Biden’s ploy to cement his legacy as the ‘Cleanest President,’ while others speculate it’s a covert operation to boost the economy through the sales of novelty toilet seat covers and air fresheners.
Opponents in Congress, led by an irate senator from Texas, expressed their disdain with dramatic flair. “This is an outright assault on traditional American values!” he proclaimed, waving a roll of vintage toilet paper. “First it was healthcare, now they want to control our bathrooms! What's next, federally mandated flossing?”
Despite the resistance, the White House remains undeterred. The Flush Black Better team, which humorously calls themselves the ‘Flush Force,’ has already drafted a comprehensive plan. The initiative includes a bidet installation schedule, a nationwide plumber training program, and a public awareness campaign featuring a catchy slogan: “Spray, Don’t Pray!”
Biden’s Press Secretary, with a straight face that defied the absurdity, announced, “This plan is not just about hygiene. It’s about dignity, about feeling refreshed and confident. Plus, we anticipate a 25% reduction in toilet paper usage, which is great for the environment. Mother Nature approves!”
The internet, predictably, exploded with memes and satirical takes. One viral tweet suggested renaming the Washington Monument to the “Bidet Beacon,” while another cheeky user recommended replacing the Statue of Liberty’s torch with a bidet sprayer.
Supporters of the initiative argue that it’s high time America embraced modern amenities. “Why should we trail behind Europe and Japan? Our derrieres deserve the best!” said an enthusiastic New York City resident. “Besides, it’s a fantastic conversation starter at parties.”
The logistics of this plan are nothing short of monumental. Engineers are faced with the Herculean task of retrofitting every public restroom, from the White House to the smallest rural diner. There’s also talk of a potential partnership with tech companies to develop smart bidets with voice control, because why use your hands when you can just shout, “Clean mode, activate!”
As the nation gears up for this unprecedented transformation, one thing is clear: Biden’s bold bidet bid has truly wiped the slate clean for future infrastructure projects. Whether you see it as a stroke of genius or just plain potty politics, America is about to embark on a journey that promises to be refreshingly... flushable.
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