WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bewildering twist that sent shockwaves through the nation's capital, FBI Director Christopher Wray defended his decision not to investigate Hillary Clinton's emails after discovering a suicide note mysteriously penned in his own handwriting.
"I'm not saying it's a conspiracy," Wray said in a hastily called press conference. "But when your own farewell letter mysteriously appears in the inbox of a prominent politician who's been accused of many questionable things, you tend to take a few extra safety precautions."
Wray defended his decision to maintain an arm’s length from the investigation, citing a "deep desire to not have an unfortunate boating accident on dry land," and his newfound interest in safer hobbies like knitting and bird-watching.
Pundits and conspiracy theorists are already flooding social media with new theories, some suggesting Wray is a time-traveling clairvoyant who wrote the letter as a precautionary measure, while others posit that he simply had a stressful day and unconsciously penned the note during an extended lunch break.
"Honestly, we're just glad he didn't send out 'I'm retiring to spend more time with my family,' because that would really worry us," quipped one anonymous FBI staffer, who then immediately moved to an undisclosed safe house.
At the end of the conference, Wray was asked if he had any regrets about his handling of the Clinton emails. "Well," he replied thoughtfully, "I might consider a different signature next time." The FBI has since announced that all future notes will be signed with a legally notarized, multi-layer biometric stamp, delivered only by drone and with a team of security guards in tow.
Hillary Clinton has remained quiet on the matter but was last seen offering Director Wray a friendly invitation to her lakeside estate, which he politely declined.
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