Heavenly Hacks: Sin Without the Sinning
In a groundbreaking theological discovery that scholars are calling "divinely convenient," District Attorney Fani Willis has unearthed the long-lost eleventh commandment, which clearly states, "Thou shalt not testify before Senate committees, especially when really, really embarrassed."
Willis, who made the stunning declaration from the steps of Big Bethel AME Church on Monday, has been facing heat for allegedly turning federal dollars into beachside daiquiris with special prosecutor Nathan Wade.
In her speech, she revealed that her recent acts were all part of a divine plan, deciphered from a sacred scripture she found tucked in her Prada purse during a taxpayer-funded spiritual retreat to the Bahamas.“ Lo, and behold! The Lord spoke unto me through a tall glass of Grey Goose, saying, ‘Fani, thou art my chosen prosecutor. Use federal grants for thine holy and utterly necessary beach vacations and salacious affairs with a married man,’” Willis thundered from the church steps, her voice echoing off the gold-plated offering buckets.
The audience, mostly congregants of Big Bethel AME Church were wearing "I'm with Heresy" T-shirts, listened in awe as Willis detailed her godly mission of fiscal liberation. "It's right there in the scriptures," Willis insisted, waving a heavily redacted document that looked suspiciously like a Ritz-Carlton receipt. "Just next to the commandment that says, 'Thou shalt not bear true witness against thy neighbor, especially if they're holding your designer luggage hostage.'"
To further defend her position, Willis has enlisted the support of high-profile religious leaders like Reverend I.M. Shady, founder of the Church of Holy Embezzlements. “The Almighty works in mysterious expense accounts,” Reverend Shady affirmed while hastily adjusting his diamond-studded halo.
Critics argue that Willis's use of divine intervention is a clear misuse of celestial power, but supporters claim it’s just "prophetic privilege." They also hint at future revelations, including sacred texts that might justify exotic car leases and designer robes, all in the name of spiritual enlightenment and prosecutorial discretion.
"Remember, my flock," Willis concluded, wiping her brow with a subpoena, "What happens in the heavens, stays in the heavens. "With heavenly backing and saintly support, Willis is set to redefine the gospel of justice, one divine loophole at a time.
Don't forget Next Sunday, Fani Loophole Willis will be sharing from the pulpit to shed light on a groundbreaking spiritual text, "The 10 Loopholes." Billed as the divine guide to heavenly legal evasion, the sermon promises to redefine moral flexibility and how to be spiritually above the law. Listed below are notes from Fani's sermon.
Thou Shalt Have No Other Contracts Before Me - Especially not ones that can be subpoenaed.
Thou Shalt Not Make Unto Thee Any Graven Image - Unless it's a flawless forgery for insurance purposes.
Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of Thy Lord in Vain - But feel free to drop it at cocktail parties to impress thy neighbors.
Remember the Audit Day, To Keep It Holy - Sanctify it with shredded documents and cash stored inside the house. Remember no receipts. Wink... Wink...
Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother - Especially in written form, in thy will.
Thou Shalt Not Kill - But remember, character assassination is fair game.
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery - It does not say thou shall not commit acts of passion...it's all about the loopholes .
Thou Shalt Not Steal - Except when it comes to embezzling tax payer dollars
Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness - Unless your fingers are crossed.
Thou Shalt Not Covet - Instead, creatively reallocate. After all, possession is nine-tenths of the law!
Fani Loophole Willis promises to clarify how each loophole can be seamlessly integrated into daily life, ensuring that parishioners can sin with impunity while still booking their first-class ticket to paradise.
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