Parody: Faithful Woman Sues Megachurch to Reclaim 10 Years of Tithes After Church Invites Pro-Abortion Speaker

New Birth Missionary Baptist Church Now Facing Heavenly Lawsuit: "I Want My Blessings Back!"

ATLANTA, GA—In a stunning turn of divine events, a devout member of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church has filed a lawsuit against her beloved congregation, demanding the return of her tithes, offerings, and presumably all the potluck dishes she’s contributed over the last decade. The reason? She’s realized she’s been accidentally attending the "Church of Compromise" instead of the "Church of the Almighty",

The fiery legal action comes after this faithful saint of ten years sat through a shocking Sunday service where she was blindsided by the church’s guest speaker, Kamala Harris, one of America's most prominent abortion advocates, whom she described as "a wolf in sheep’s... well, no, just a wolf."

"I thought my church was walking with the Lord all these years," said the unnamed woman with her Bible clutched tightly in her hand, “but apparently I’ve been throwing my money down a heathen pit instead of into the storehouses of heaven. I want my blessings back, all ten years of them!"

"They Gave Satan a Microphone!"

The shocking realization came during the church’s morning service last Sunday when the congregation was treated to an enthusiastic sermon by Vice President Kamala Harris whose political resume reads more like 'A Beginner's Guide to Atheism' than a Sunday school lesson. The VP, a well-known advocate for abortion rights, gender affirming surgery for children, and other woke causes, left the congregation in a state of holy bewilderment.

"I nearly fell out of the pew when Kamala boldly declared, ‘It’s a woman’s right to choose.’ "Choose what? Whether or not to kill an unborn child?!" she exclaimed, shaking her head. "No, ma’am. I almost dropped my Bible right there! And to think I’ve been putting my money in these offering plates every week, thinking it was going straight to Jesus. Turns out it’s been funding this unholy circus!"

"I Want a Refund for the Kingdom Investments!"

In her lawsuit, the woman is seeking to recover every tithe and offering she's given since 2014, plus damages for emotional distress and “years of wasted hallelujahs.” She's also throwing in a claim for "time wasted in Sunday school pretending to be interested in overly illustrated flannelgraph stories."

"Look, I gave generously to this church thinking I was helping build God's kingdom. But after what I saw today, I realize I've been scammed worse than those Nigerian princes who keep emailing me about a free cruise." She paused, looking heavenward, and said, "At this point, I’m going to need a refund and some interest!"

Congregation Divided: "Jesus Take the Checkbook"

While some members of New Birth Missionary Baptist stand in solidarity with their aggrieved sister in Christ, others are less than supportive. One member, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of divine retribution (and social media backlash), commented, "She’s got a point… but girl, good luck getting your money back from this church. That's harder than getting the camel through the eye of the needle. And trust me, I’ve tried."

The church's leadership, meanwhile, is taking a more cautious approach. A representative for New Birth commented, “We don’t offer refunds. We offer grace. But we will definitely pray on it… but remember we're on God's timing, not ours."

Christian Lawyers Ready to Take the Case

The woman has already secured legal representation from the law firm of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, LLC, specialists in faith-based lawsuits and holy disputes. Lead attorney, Brother Frank Bender, said, “This case could set a precedent in the world of ecclesiastical finances. If my client wins, you could see congregants across the nation demanding back-payments for years of sermon-induced naps and awkward fellowship moments.”

“Remember,” Bender added, “Hell hath no fury like a Christian woman scorned… especially one with ten years of receipts.”

Final Word from the Pew

As the lawsuit makes its way through the courts, other churches are reportedly taking notice, with some pastors immediately revising their upcoming guest speaker lists. One pastor, from nearby Ebenezer Baptist Church, sighed in relief: “Looks like I dodged a bullet when Georgia DA Fanni Willis was our keynote speaker last month.”

Meanwhile, our plaintiff is still holding out hope for divine intervention—and maybe a small fortune. "I just want back what’s rightfully the Lord's so I can give it to a ministry that will use it for God's glory. Ten years of tithes. Ten years of blessings. And if they don’t pay up? I’ll be seeing them in heavenly court. Or, you know, the Fulton County Courthouse, whichever comes first.”

Disclaimer:

This article is a parody. Any resemblance to real churches, tithes, or refund policies is purely coincidental... or divinely inspired, depending on how you look at it.

No, you cannot actually sue your church for back tithes. If you're still upset, please direct all complaints to your church's main office —you might be on hold for eternity.