Success auditors.
In a bold move that has shaken the leaves of the money tree, the Democratic Party has announced a sweeping new tax initiative aimed squarely at those who have dared to achieve more success than the average American. Dubbed "The Not Fair Tax," this groundbreaking proposal seeks to level the playing field by ensuring that anyone doing better than you in life will be duly penalized for their audacity.
The proposal, outlined in a 3,000-page document, which ironically requires an advanced degree to understand fully—something that could itself trigger the tax—targets various indicators of success. Under this new system, individuals would need to start paying up for achievements such as owning a robot vacuum cleaner, having more than two streaming service subscriptions, or successfully assembling IKEA furniture without leftover parts."
We believe it's absolutely unfair for some Americans to experience more joy, have nicer things, or just be better at life than others," explained the senator leading the charge, who preferred to remain nameless for fear of becoming too recognizable—a factor that might subject him to his own tax. "With the Not Fair Tax, we're finally acknowledging that envy is a much better foundation for tax policy than economic principles.
"Key features of the tax include:
The Avocado Clause: Anyone caught buying avocados more than twice a week will be taxed, based on the presumption that they are enjoying life more than the average toast enthusiast.
The Memory Foam Mattress Mandate: Owners of memory foam mattresses will face steep taxes for every extra hour of sleep they enjoy over the national average.
The Fitness Tracker Fee: Calculated by the number of steps over 10,000 per day, because clearly, anyone walking that much is showing off.
The Homemade Gourmet Meal Tax: This applies to anyone who uses the phrase "just a simple home-cooked meal" to describe dishes that feature more than three herbs.
Experts predict that the Not Fair Tax could raise billions, much of which will be funneled into programs designed to raise the self-esteem of less successful Americans, including a national campaign to boost participation trophies in adult sports leagues and funding for a new reality show where mediocre performers are praised like superstars.
Opponents of the tax argue that it might discourage people from trying to succeed at all. However, supporters counter that it's about time people learned that being average is not only okay but financially prudent.
As for how the tax will be enforced, officials plan to deploy a new body of Success Auditors. These agents will be trained in the art of detecting subtle signs of personal achievement, like fresh haircuts, timely oil changes, or the faint scent of a non-fast-food meal.
In conclusion, as one staffer put it, "If you're out there being better at life, beware. The Not Fair Tax is coming for you, and it's going to be, well, totally unfair."
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