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PARODY: Colin Kaepernick's Kneeling Career Carousel: From Shoelaces to Sermons.

Updated: May 15

San Francisco, CA – After bidding adieu to the gridiron, former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has tried his hand at a variety of gigs, that allow him to kneel during the job. Below is a rundown of Kaepernick's eclectic post-football job pursuits, proving that he can indeed

find many a reason to take a knee outside the national anthem.


1. Shoe Salesman Extraordinaire

Fresh off the NFL fields, Kaepernick dove into the world of retail, specializing in shoes. At "Kneel & Deal Footwear," Kaepernick was famed for his personal motto: "If the shoe fits, kneel in it!" Customers were reportedly less enthused about his tendency to lecture on social injustices when all they really wanted was a snug pair of loafers.


2. Freelance Garden Gnome

Kaepernick, known for his dynamic presence on the field, took a turn for the serene outdoors as he posed as a garden gnome for a high-end landscaping company. This job had him kneeling among tulips and daisies while sporting a pointy red hat. The gig was short-lived after he was mistaken more than once for an avant-garde sprinkler system.


3. The Almost-Priest

Seeing a chance for a real calling, Kaepernick tried joining the clergy. Unfortunately, he found the kneeling part more familiar than the theology, and the stint ended abruptly when he admitted during a sermon that he thought "Pontifex Maximus" was a brand of gym equipment.


4. Professional Proposal Planner

Turning to romance, Kaepernick leveraged his kneeling expertise by starting "Bended Knee Proposals," helping nervous partners plan the perfect engagement moment. Business plummeted after he repeatedly confused consultations with quarterback strategy sessions, often suggesting a "two-minute drill" to hesitant proposers.


5. Carpet Installer

In his most down-to-earth job yet, Kaepernick worked installing luxurious carpets. He was known to give motivational speeches to the carpets, telling them they had the power to "cover the ground we all walk on, one square foot at a time." He was let go after customers reported finding tear stains on their freshly installed floors..


6. Yoga Instructor

Finally, Kaepernick found some peace as a yoga instructor, where kneeling is part of the practice and standing out meant fitting in. However, he kept mixing football terms with yoga poses, leading to confused classes trying to decipher what exactly a "Downward Facing Quarterback" was supposed to look like.


In Conclusion: Colin Kaepernick's post-NFL career journey shows a man who isn't afraid to get on his knees, whether it's selling shoes or listening to confessions. While his professional path has been as varied as his playbook, one thing remains clear: Kaepernick will always stand (or kneel) for what he believes in, even if it's in the most unconventional ways.

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