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PARODY: CEO Swears It's Not Personal, Just Actuarial: Clinton Associates Not Covered.

In a shocking twist, a major life insurance company admits to dodging the "Clinton Curse" – not Democrats in general.


In a startling revelation that rocked the life insurance industry to its slightly dull, statistically analyzed core, Big Life Corp. CEO, Bob Actuary, disclosed the company's longstanding policy of declining insurance applications from anyone within six degrees of separation from Bill or Hillary Clinton.


This policy clarification came after mounting allegations of political bias against Democrats.“It’s really not a Democrat thing," Actuary clarified in a press conference interrupted only by his constant updates on mortality rates and risk calculations. "Our decision is purely data-driven, grounded in solid actuarial science. Our studies indicate a peculiar anomaly: anyone remotely connected to the Clintons tends to have the life expectancy of a mayfly in a room full of frogs."


The insurance magnate continued, "It’s just good business. We insure skydivers and shark wrestlers, but 'Clintonian proximity'? Now, that’s just too hot for us to handle!"Dubbed the "Clinton Curse," the phenomenon has perplexed statisticians who noted an unusual blip in their data whenever the Clinton name appears in an applicant's file. "We thought it was a glitch, but even the computers started to refuse processing them," said an anonymous IT technician, nervously glancing over his shoulder.


In response to a question about whether this policy is fair, the CEO elaborated, "Look, if you’ve ever emailed, texted, or even been retweeted by a Clinton, our system automatically enrolls you in our premium 'extremely high risk' category. We can't insure you, but we do offer a complimentary subscription to a newsletter on '1001 Ways to Stay Safe in Potentially Political Scenarios.'"


The press room erupted with queries about whether this was ethical, to which Actuary responded, “Ethics? We’re talking about survival instincts here! Have you read the actuarial tables? These folks have a lower survival rate than characters in a horror movie!"


Meanwhile, political analysts are having a field day with the implications of these revelations. "It might just redefine loyalty in politics. Want to prove you're not with someone? There’s an insurance policy for that," chuckled one commentator.


As for the Democrats, responses have been mixed. A junior senator remarked, “At first, I was offended. But then I looked up the actuarial tables, checked my family tree twice, and yeah, I’m staying away from any reunions."


In an unexpected twist, conspiracy theorists have hailed the CEO as a hero for confirming their long-held suspicions. "We knew it! There's something spooky about those Clintons!" exclaimed a prominent actuary before turning off his calculator.


Big Life Corp. has hinted at a new line of products aimed at the politically entangled, including the “Scandal Survivor” package and “Conspiracy Theorist” coverage options, promising that as long as you steer clear of the Clintons, they've got a policy for you. For now, Actuary signs off with a bit of advice for the wary: "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and anyone named Clinton at least a policy-length away for your own safety."




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