ATLANTA, GA—In a surprising twist that has left the nation reeling, Dr. Rochelle Walensky, Director of the CDC, warned Americans that the COVID-19 death toll could exceed the Bill and Hillary Clinton body count.
“We have to take this seriously,” said a stone-faced Walensky in a televised address. “The math checks out. We’ve crunched the numbers, and they clearly show that if we don’t flatten the curve, COVID may soon rack up more deaths the Clinton tally.
The CDC has issued new guidelines to avoid such a tragic fate. “We’re advising everyone to avoid shaking hands with anyone named Hillary or Bill, just to be safe,” Walensky advised while rearranging her desk ornaments into a pentagram. “Also, steer clear of Arkansas. Nothing good happens there.”
Meanwhile, health advocates have created a comprehensive plan of action. “We’re considering releasing a PSA urging COVID to go back to Wuhan,” said a man named Ron who refused to disclose his last name. “We’ll even pay for the plane ticket.”
Social media giants immediately flagged the broadcast with the disclaimer: “Misinformation: The CDC cannot predict body counts with accuracy.” Undeterred, Dr. Walensky urged for unity, stating, “If we all do our part and stay vigilant, we can ensure COVID stays under the Clinton threshold.”
In response, Bill and Hillary Clinton reportedly invited Walensky over for a friendly dinner. Sources confirm she did not accept, citing a sudden urge to stay indoors for the next, well, lifetime.
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