In an unprecedented move that has both slicked-back supporters and untidy critics speaking out, California Governor Gavin Newsom has unveiled his latest initiative aimed at ensuring every Californian has not just a roof over their head, but also top-notch hair gel in their bathroom. Dubbed “The Slick State Initiative,” this program promises to distribute high-quality hair products statewide, making sure all residents are perpetually camera-ready.
At a press conference, with his hair impeccably styled in what could only be described as a sculptural marvel, Governor Newsom declared, "In California, we believe in high standards—from our environmental policies to our hairstyles. It’s time we ensure that every citizen has access to the tools they need to look their best, from San Diego to Eureka."
The initiative will be funded by a modest increase in taxes on mirrors and selfie sticks, industries that have seen booming growth thanks to Instagram and TikTok. According to Newsom, “It’s only fair that the sectors that benefit the most from our good looks pay their fair share.
”Critics of the initiative, sporting various degrees of hair disarray, have voiced concerns. The leader of the opposition, known informally as Greg remarked, "Next thing we know, there’ll be a subsidy for avocado toast and yoga classes. Where does it end?" Meanwhile, economists are furiously revising their models to forecast the gel-induced uplift to the state's GDP.
However, supporters are enthusiastic. One influencer, while live-streaming her morning hair routine, gushed, “This is literally the best thing ever. Now, I can afford both my organic hair mask AND the rent!”
Silicon Valley startups have already begun to pivot towards what insiders are calling the "gel tech" industry. "It’s not just about software anymore. It’s about soft hair," stated one CEO, showcasing his company’s new line hairbrushes that can apply just the right amount of gel for any hair type and weather condition.
As for the general populace, the streets are abuzz with citizens sporting glossy, bouncy hairdos. "I used to just slap some water on my head and call it a day," shared a previously hair-care-indifferent skateboarder, now a gel convert. "But now? I can have hair like the governor! It’s pretty slick."
The Slick State Initiative is set to roll out starting next month, with public workshops on proper gel application techniques led by state-funded stylists. As California prepares to step into a shinier, stickier future, the rest of the nation watches with bated breath—and perhaps a hint of jealousy.
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