Washington, D.C. - In a daring leap forward in the fight against climate change and fossil fuel dependency, the Biden administration announced a $3.7 trillion plan to develop the groundbreaking "Flint Mobile," an innovative vehicle concept directly inspired by Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg's nostalgic binge-watching session of The Flintstones. The proposed vehicle, which harnesses the ancient power of foot propulsion, is set to revolutionize transportation by replacing traditional engines with the relentless zeal of human pedal power.
The Flint Mobile promises to reduce carbon emissions to zero and American waistlines to high school graduation size. "With this visionary project, we're taking a step back to the Stone Age to forge a greener, cleaner, and more creative future," Buttigieg declared while proudly donning a fur tunic and twirling a bone club. "Think about it: no exhaust fumes, no gas prices, just good old-fashioned cardio."
The administration expects the Flint Mobile to be in full production by 2028, barring a few logistical hurdles like convincing Americans to exercise voluntarily, and managing a national increase of calloused feet.
Key Features of the Flint Mobile:
Eco-Friendly Fuel Source: With a powertrain based entirely on leg muscle, this vehicle guarantees guilt-free commuting for all. To further enhance its eco-credentials, the Flint Mobile will be constructed from locally-sourced quarry stones, giving it a timeless, rustic appeal.
State-of-the-Art Pedal Power: Each model will come equipped with premium rubber sandals for maximum foot traction. Optional upgrades include anti-splinter mats, turbo-pedaling handles, and personalized racing stripes.
Socially Inclusive Design: Unlike modern vehicles that rely on drivers' licenses, the Flint Mobile promotes a communal approach. The entire family can pedal together, creating valuable bonding moments and joint therapy sessions to work through muscle cramps.
Reduced Traffic Congestion: With a top speed of "as fast as you can pedal," congestion will be a thing of the past. Expect the highway to resemble a slow-motion human-powered stampede.
The Republican opposition quickly pointed out a few "minor concerns," such as potential roadkill and inevitable health insurance premiums from emergency podiatry appointments. Still, Biden remains undeterred.
"We will forge ahead with this revolutionary Flint Mobile, because when the rubber meets the gravel, nothing says progress like going prehistoric!" President Biden exclaimed as he wrapped up the press conference, rolling off in a demo unit powered by the White House interns.
Disclaimer: Those seeking a test drive should check with their podiatrist before purchasing the new Flint Mobile.
Comments