The Biden administration is backing up its claim to be the most woke presidency not just in the United States but in the world. Proving that no idea is too far-fetched, the latest executive order is a DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) measure set to ensure balance and equity in sports. The name for the new mandate is called S.W.E.A.T. (Sports With Equity And Tolerance). Spoiler alert: things are about to get hilariously absurd.
The executive order kicks off with the Sports Affirmative Action Plan. Professional sports teams must now reflect demographic diversity, with a diversity score determining their initial advantage. Imagine a football team with a DEI score of 90 playing against a team scoring 70. The more diverse team starts with a 20-point lead! Soon, we might see Eskimos dunking basketballs for the Lakers and Kenyans blocking goals for the Boston Bruins. It's no longer about points; it's about making sure everyone gets their moment in the spotlight.
Next up is the equal pay agenda, championed by Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. Their revolutionary idea? Every player earns the same salary, whether they're a touchdown machine or a benchwarmer. "Equality on the field," Sanders proclaims. Why should the star quarterback make more than the guy who sits on the bench? True equality means everyone gets paid the same, epitomizing the word "team." Picture Tom Brady earning as much as the third-string kicker who just figured out which way to put on his helmet.
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) brings us to the third pillar: universal recognition. Her motto, "everyone according to their ability," translates into "everyone gets a trophy." MVP is now MVT – Most Valuable Team – and it includes everyone, even the player who still doesn't know which direction to kick the ball. Imagine a world where the star player and the benchwarmer share the same prize money and recognition. It's meritocracy turned on its head, where mediocrity is celebrated as a virtue.
Half-time shows now feature mandatory sharing circles where players discuss their feelings about the game, ensuring no one feels left out. Halftime snacks? Distributed equally, of course. It doesn't matter if you're the star player or the guy who thought "offside" was a new diet trend – everyone gets the same number of carrot sticks.
Fan reactions have ranged from bewildered to outright hysterical laughter. “It’s like watching a school play,” said one amused spectator. “You know it’s bad, but you can’t help but enjoy the chaos.” Another fan added, “I came here to watch some quality soccer, but this is way more entertaining. It’s like a live-action parody. I can’t wait to see who misses the goal next!”
Post-match interviews are a riot. Players, regardless of performance, give the same canned response: "I'm just happy to be here and share the success with my teammates. We win as a team, we fail as a team, and we all get the same paycheck!" One goalkeeper, who managed to let in a record number of goals, grinned widely, “I’d like to thank Bernie for making sure my total lack of talent doesn’t affect my salary. It’s a dream come true.”
And then there’s gender neutrality. In this brave new world, gender has nothing to do with what sport you play. Men who think they’re women and women who think they’re men can switch sports without any hassle. Title IX? More like Title IX-thousand-genders! Every gender is the same, period.
This new sports initiative will be world-changing, ensuring mediocrity, fairness, and sameness. It takes the idea of equality to the extreme, exposing the absurdity of rewarding everyone equally regardless of effort or skill. So sit back, grab a beer, and watch the new world of sports unfold. Just don't be surprised if you see a sumo wrestler trying to swim the butterfly in the next Olympics.
In a world where everyone wins and no one excels, we can only smile and do a few face palms. Welcome to Biden's Playbook: How to Win by Losing.
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