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PARODY: Biden Delivers Speech So Baffling, Linguists Introduce New Language: "Bidenglish"

Writer's picture: The ElephantThe Elephant

Washington, D.C. — In an unprecedented display of verbal gymnastics, President Joe Biden left an audience both perplexed and significantly less intelligent after a speech that experts are calling a “grammatical black hole. "


The speech, intended to address something mildly important—sources suggest it might have been national security, or possibly new dietary guidelines—quickly spiraled into what can only be described as an extraordinary exhibition of linguistic chaos.“


Today, we stand together to, you know, the thing,” Biden began, setting the tone for what would soon be heralded as one of the most bewildering 37 minutes in recorded history. Witnesses report that his introduction was met with enthusiastic applause, likely because no one had any idea it was only the beginning.


As the President dove deeper into his address, linguists around the world gathered online to decode what some are speculating might be an entirely new language, tentatively named “Bidenglish.” One language expert commented, “It’s fascinating. He starts a sentence in English, but by the end it’s transformed into something else entirely. We’re considering adding it to the Rosetta Stone software under the category ‘cryptic’.”


The White House press secretary, in a valiant effort to clarify, told reporters post-speech, “What the President meant to say was, unequivocally, something very clear and not at all confusing.” This statement has since been nominated for the National Book Award for Fiction.


Audience members described their post-speech condition as “bewildered,” “confused,” and “in need of a stiff drink.” One attendee was spotted googling “can you lose IQ points by listening to a speech?” while others formed a support group, “Survivors of the Biden Speech,” which will meet biweekly and offer cognitive rehabilitation exercises.


On Capitol Hill, bipartisan legislation has been introduced to ensure that all future presidential speeches come with subtitles and a risk warning that states: “Repeated exposure may cause severe cerebral confusion.”


As for the President, he remains undeterred. In a brief comment to the press as he left the stage, Biden assured the nation, “I mean what I say when I say what I mean, sometimes. Let's not count the chickens before they, you know, do whatever chickens do.”


In the end, the speech will go down in history, remembered not for its content—since no one is quite sure what was said—but for its remarkable ability to bring together politicians, linguists, and comedians in a united effort to make sense of something utterly nonsensical.


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