Washington, D.C. – The Biden administration announced a groundbreaking initiative designed to foster inclusivity and compassion within the criminal justice system. In an unprecedented move, violent criminals will now be released to ensure their feelings aren't hurt by the harsh realities of incarceration—except domestic terrorists jailed from the January 6th insurrection.
"Prison bars and orange jumpsuits are so 20th century," stated an anonymous source from the White House. "We need to move towards a more empathetic approach where everyone's feelings are taken into account, even those who have a penchant for, well, aggressive behavior."
The program, aptly named "Feelings Over Bars," has already seen several high-profile releases. The administration argues that prisons, with their concrete walls and regimented schedules, are just too harsh for individuals who might be misunderstood or simply having a rough patch."
We're not saying crime is okay," clarified another official while sipping a latte in their ergonomically designed office. "But we are saying that punishment is a bit outdated. It's all about understanding and dialogue now."
Reports indicate that upon release, former inmates are provided with therapy dogs, yoga mats, and a Spotify subscription to playlists designed to calm even the most ferocious temperaments. They are also enrolled in community workshops where they can express their feelings through art, poetry, and interpretive dance.
Neighborhoods nationwide are buzzing with excitement about this new initiative. Take, for example, the case of Larry "The Larcenist" Jenkins, who was recently released under the program. "I feel so liberated," Larry declared as he browsed through artisanal bread at a local farmer's market. "Prison just wasn't conducive to my personal growth. Plus, the orange jumpsuits really clashed with my complexion."
Not everyone is thrilled, though. Local law enforcement officials express concerns about the practicalities of the plan. "We've seen a slight uptick in certain activities like, you know, breaking and entering," said Officer John B. Free. "But maybe they just need more time to adjust. Or more therapy dogs. We're still figuring it out."
Critics of the program suggest that the administration might be taking inclusivity a bit too far. "What's next?" questioned a bewildered commentator on a popular news channel. "Giving out participation trophies to bank robbers?"
Yet, the administration remains steadfast. "It's all about rethinking how we approach justice," an aide explained. "If we can avoid hurting anyone's feelings, then we’ve done our job. Besides, isn’t it nicer to be nice?"
As the country watches this bold new strategy unfold, only time will tell if the benefits of sparing feelings will outweigh the peculiar outcomes. For now, the message is clear: compassion is in, consequences are out, and everyone deserves a second chance—even if that means an occasional purse might go missing at the yoga studio.
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