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Writer's pictureThe Elephant

PARODY: Biden Administration Rolls Out Climate Change Reparations for Ancestors Related to Extinct Cavemen ~ A Rock-Solid Plan or Just Plain Rocky?


The Biden administration is making headlines with its latest initiative to buy votes – I mean, to address historical injustices – by unveiling a groundbreaking (literally) plan to provide "Climate Change Reparations" to our long-lost, club-wielding ancestors, the cavemen. This bold and visionary policy stems from an intriguing research report that revealed a surprising number of "man caves" across America. Evidently, if you have a basement with a beer fridge and a dartboard, you're eligible for some prehistoric reparations!


The White House’s announcement has sparked both laughter and confusion among citizens and pundits alike. The initiative seeks to compensate cavemen for the harsh climate changes they endured, which, as everyone knows, were totally the fault of primitive carbon emissions from excessive mammoth barbecues.


The Cave-to-Cave Strategy

President Biden, while unveiling this plan, donned a faux fur vest and a replica stone axe to really connect with his target demographic. “It’s about time we acknowledge the sacrifices made by our ancient ancestors,” he proclaimed, standing in front of a backdrop of stalactites and crude cave paintings. “These cavemen faced extreme weather conditions without the luxury of modern amenities. No central heating, no air conditioning – just rocks and a dream.”


Digging into the Details


The reparations package :

1. Stone Age Stimulus Checks:

Eligible individuals will receive payments in the form of oversized, commemorative stone tablets. These can be used as coffee table decorations or extremely inconvenient paperweights.

2. Free Flint-Knapping Workshops:

Because who doesn't want to learn the lost art of making stone tools? These workshops will be held in local community centers and led by self-proclaimed “Neolithic lifestyle influencers.”

3. Mammoth Fur Coats:

Hand-stitched by modern artisans, these coats aim to keep recipients warm during the impending ice age that climate activists have been predicting since the last ice age.


The Mammoth-Sized Questions

The administration's plan raises several questions. For instance, how will they identify the descendants of cavemen? The proposed solution is simple: DNA tests and a comprehensive review of one’s garage and basement for evidence of man-cave activities. If you own a leather recliner and a collection of hunting trophies, congratulations, you might be in line for some paleo-cash!


Cave Critics

Naturally, the opposition has a few bones to pick with this initiative. “This is just another scheme to distract from real issues,” one senator grumbled, shaking his head. “Next, they’ll be offering reparations to dinosaurs for the asteroid impact.”


Meanwhile, late-night comedians have had a field day with the announcement. “I guess it’s only fair,” one quipped. “After all, those cavemen had to endure prehistoric climate change without even a single reusable grocery bag.”


Caveman Lobbyists

Surprisingly, a group of self-proclaimed “modern cavemen” has emerged, lobbying for their slice of the reparations pie. Dressed in animal skins and armed with makeshift spears, they’ve set up camp outside the Capitol, chanting slogans like “Rocks Not Rockets!” and “Fire Good, Wi-Fi Bad!”


A Rocky Road Ahead

While the plan is still in its early stages, one thing is clear: the Biden administration has taken a bold step into uncharted territory. Whether this initiative will crumble under its own absurdity or pave the way for future prehistoric policies remains to be seen.


In the meantime, citizens across America are busy dusting off their old basements and perfecting their best caveman gr

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