Your Daily Dose of Absurdity
Are you tired of counting the candles on your birthday cake and feeling the weight of another year gone by? Fear no more, because Bernie Sanders has a plan that will blow out your existential dread like a trick candle on a three-year-old's cake. Enter the "Fairness Redistribution Act," a legislative masterpiece aimed at ensuring every American gets the same number of birthday candles, regardless of age.
Yes, you heard that right. Under this groundbreaking new law, the number of candles on your cake will no longer depend on your actual age. Instead, it will reflect the median age of America, which currently stands at a youthful and vibrant 38 years old.
Picture this: Grandma Gertrude, celebrating her 92nd birthday with a cake adorned with just 38 candles. "I feel 54 years younger already!" she exclaims, while trying to remember where she left her dentures. Little Timmy, turning 5, will also have 38 candles on his cake, ensuring he gets an early start on lung capacity training. "I feel so grown-up!" he says, before collapsing into a sugar coma.
Sanders, standing on a podium made entirely of recycled birthday cake boxes, passionately defended his new policy. "In America, fairness means that no one should have more or fewer candles than anyone else. It's a travesty that some people are forced to blow out 80 candles while others barely get five. This is not the America I believe in."
The Fairness Redistribution Act also includes provisions for a Candle Control Board (CCB), responsible for ensuring compliance and distributing surplus candles to those in need. A new branch of the IRS, the Candle Revenue Service (CRS), will audit birthday parties nationwide, ensuring no cake is over or under-candled. "We've already hired 10,000 new agents," said a cheerful CRS spokesperson, who was seen eating cake for breakfast.
Critics argue this legislation is a colossal waste of wax and hot air. "This is peak lunacy," said Senator D. Nyle. "Next, he'll want us to redistribute sprinkles on cupcakes! It's an attack on personal cake freedoms."
But Sanders remains undeterred. "This isn't just about candles," he explained, waving a candelabra for emphasis. "It's about equality, unity, and making sure everyone, young and old, can burn their tongues on too many candles."
Meanwhile, the National Candle Manufacturers Association (NCMA) has reported record sales and a sudden spike in the hiring of professional candle lighters. "This is the best thing to happen to candles since electricity," said NCMA President Wick Burnbright.
In a touching show of bipartisan support, even opponents are getting in on the fun. At a recent rally, Sanders and McFuddle exchanged cakes and attempted to blow out each other's 38 candles. Both ran out of breath, resulting in a symbolic puff of unity.
As America prepares for the next round of birthday celebrations, citizens can rest easy knowing that, for once, everyone's cake will look equally ridiculous. So here’s to Bernie Sanders, the man who dared to dream of a world where age is just a number and birthday candles are a universal constant.
Happy Birthday, America. May your cakes be forever lit with the flame of equality.
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